Month: March 2012

Get foiled by Amazons !

Random thoughts today cos my mind is everywhere and nowhere …

I was hoping to get some concentrated Saving Of The Universe in this weekend with a new game called Mass Effect 3 (yes, you may have caught that there’s two bits of controversy on this one …) which I’d preordered months ago from Amazon. You’d have thought they’d be able to deliver on release day but it’s only just come through today. Bit meh. And that’s deja vu from when Mass Effect 2 was released, with that one I cancelled the preorder and got it from Asda on release day after Amazon failed to fulfill the order.

Saving the world could wait though :

Very tired right now and the stress level is approaching the limit of what I can successfully suppress. March is a tricky month for me, as I’ve usually had a break before now. It’s the length of time between the Xmas break and the Easter break that gets me. Possibly a bit of Seasonally Affective Disorder as well coming into play.

So if I’m snappy right now and not as focused as I should be, that’s why. Same for absentmindedness. Confidence has gone low too, so my latent hyperactivity is not burning through that stress as much as it should.

The stress is also why I’m struggling physically as well now. I have full agility (hips are very stiff but they’ll live) despite my back telling me it’s as stiff as hardwood. Just need that spark, motivation, reason to unlock the energy again. And that’s where I depend on doing stuff for other people. Thinking I’ve helped or cheered someone else up puts that grin back on me and lets me jump into the fray again.

Musicy stuff –

Been expanding the library again. Latest arrivals are Sheryl Crow, Mindy Gledhill (Anchor is a very Happy album), Norah Jones (awesome singer), Maroon 5 (I want da Moves Like Jagger), Katie Melua, Duffy, Tori Amos and the 2001 soundtrack. Definitely enjoying the music …

… but I’m considering spending cash on another amplifier. Bit daft really, as the current one functions. It’s just annoying with the bad HDMI connectivity (Onkyo problem). Let’s just say a visit to Richer Sounds for a stand for my bits might end up being more expensive than it ought …

Loo stuff – I’m still likely to need to do a replacement but I have acquired a secret weapon … The only question I have now is being able to lift the bits. Porcelain isn’t light. One person job too because the access is very tight.

Weight n stuff – very happy here. I’ve lost almost a stone now, although that has stabilised. I’ve got used to a different discipline in how I eat and how I snack. Not had cookies in the afternoon at work for a while. It’s showing in extra agility, the same power is available in my legs but has less ballast to overcome.

Thinking of diet – seen the latest that says red meat will kill you ? Eating is unhealthy. There’s something in everything that will kill you … eventually. But. Not eating anything will kill you a lot lot faster. Take what you read with a pinch of salt (oops). What comes out of supposedly respectable research places these days resembles sensationalist quackery. It is : Garbage. Eat what works for you, everyone needs different food.

Cricket – hoping I’ll have a nets buddy 🙂 Globesports down in the middle of Bristol offer indoor nets with a bowling machine. Just one session will be more pre season practice than the last maybe 8 seasons put together. I won’t be bowling though so I’ll need to get my conditioning another way. Like walking around site over a lunch time.

Not that it does much good 🙂 Even with getting as much pre season practice and conditioning as I could get to 20 years ago, I’d still need a few days to unstiffen after the first game of the season. And that’s with me being 20 years less broken :-).

Think that’s most of the random thoughts out of my head, at least the ones that escape the tiredness trap that is.

There are more though. I’ve been keeping an eye on a couple of people lately. Those thoughts are definitely still rumbling around in my head. Thoughts of “is … ok?” are the first coherent thoughts in the morning and they’re the last thoughts before sleep.

Time for a hot shower before starting on that last leg of the Mass Effect trilogy 🙂

Part of Blogger’s unasked for and unwanted recent changes has lost us our labels on the bottom of posts.

I’m a bit patchy on labels to be honest. But if I add them, I like them to actually appear. So – how do you get them back if Google’s messed up your template ?

Here’s something I picked up off da interwebs :

<< grr – copying it through didn’t work, see the link below to get your labels back >>

And that’s from the Google support forums, linked here.

Seems to work 🙂 I have my labels back. BUT ! This functionality is another thing that should not have been meddled with by someone who unleashed unwanted and unnecessary change on blogger.

Oh in other news – Amazon have let me down again with a preorder. I preordered Mass Effect 3 ages ago, expecting Amazon to get it to me on or near release day. Well, that was Friday and I haven’t got my game yet.

Sad face. (Which to be honest is due to tiredness hitting me)

And after saying "I will not play at BAWA (nose job place) again" – that feels like there's a bit of fear leftover. So if it's on the fixture list, I will go back there. Fear must not be allowed to win.

This thought’s been rattling around in my head for the past couple of days …

A friend mentioned “wouldn’t want to go back there because of the memories”. And I agreed at the time too. The last thing Ravenwolf and I did together as a couple was to head out to Orlando for a fortnight, with Ravenwolf then staying on for another fortnight with her mum and sister.

The overriding memories (it’s faded a bit) of the fortnight is :

Chilling out,
Fun at the theme parks,
Being well looked after by the Americans,
Sun and warmth

Those are great memories. But I’d been thinking : “wouldn’t want to go back there because of remembering what happened back then.”. But while I will think instinctively, I always leave room for changing my mind on stuff later. Which I think still surprises people when I will snap from a preconceived idea to a different one in a heartbeat (I’ve raced through their logic and recognised its value).

Same with this one – we should always remember what’s gone before. But should we be locked into it ? I don’t think so. If it’s a place worth going, think about what the root cause of the bad memory actually is and confront that instead of denying yourself the good stuff. I’d quite like to go back to Orlando again 🙂 Especially as the bad memory is from what followed the holiday rather than what happened on the holiday. I suspect I also won’t be quite the clueless tourist the second time around.

My problem is motivation – I’m rubbish at doing things for myself because I feel compelled to do things for others. So I wouldn’t want to check these things out for myself, I’d quite happily treat someone else to it.

Cricket is another source of bad memory for me (amongst the great cricket memories !) – mostly for injury issues.

I’ll not play again at the ground where I broke my nose – but not for those fragmented memories. I was rather glad there was enough time left in the season to bat again after the nose incident, it gave me chance to confront any potential fear before it had time to fester over the winter. I still have the occasional flash of seeing a cricket ball 6 inches from my right eye, which I don’t know is a real memory or extrapolated. But that’s not the reason for never playing at the ground again. Nah – that’s because it’s not a fit ground for cricket, with a square that’s marshy and very dangerous for cramp prone legs like mine. I always hurt muscles there ! After tearing leg muscles in almost all the games I played there, it’s just not worth the risk at 37.

No – the big cricket memory has been confronted and dealt with and the others also get similarly managed.

The bad shoulder still affects me and as well as being unable to bowl it means I should never use power in a throw. But I forget about the memory of the pain and concentrate on fielding to the best of what I can do. Which means letting the captain know so I’m allowed to stay in close where I’m best.

Fear of rejection is another memory I struggle with though. Since Ravenwolf, I’ve tried a few times to strike up a relationship with other people but it’s always ended up with stonewalling before anything actually happened. I like to feel I Matter to other people and that’s a crucial part of my feelings of self worth. Memory and fear of rejection is something I still struggle badly with.

That’s enough of my attempts to confront my bad memories though :-).

I think I’m dealing with them better lately because what’s been happening with a bunch of other people has forced me to look again at stuff from my past. And after another look, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much now as it did back then. Things like ditching the jokey but cruel “Evil Ex” tag for her old tag. Although I’m still not that comfortable talking about the details.

Back to the original thing – I’d quite like to go back to Orlando. I enjoyed the chilling out, the space, the fresh air, the warmth, the sun. There’s a lot going for places like that, even if it is obvious it’s all built for the tourists. They do it so well though 🙂

Would I go back there ? With a willing partner, oh yes. Although that’s tinged slightly with “why go to the same place twice when there’s so many options out there ?” There’s lots out there that I haven’t seen or experienced.

Right reason to not go – been there before
Wrong reason – stuff that’s in the past

But (and this is the last bit of Wall Of Text – honest) : the pain has faded for me, it’s still very raw for others with those wounds still bleeding. However, always keep an open mind and allow room for those hard set ideas to change.

A memory like mine has a few advantages among its disadvantages 🙂

I tend to think in pictures, feelings and motion. (Which can make it tough to get what I’m thinking turned into words). But what it does mean is that when things stick in there amongst the sawdust, I can pull faces out of my head far better than I can put names to them.

Or … I can compare how Snow Queen cakes taste to cakes made by mere mortals.

Yep. Snow Queen cakes are far superior to Fabulous Baking Boy muffins (2 for deals from supermarkets are very dangerous).

I still have 6 FBB muffins to go but each one will have me wishing for the taste of one of those Snow Queen buns. They were lush. Oh and I only had 2 at work today, I am supposed to be on a diet after all :-).

PS If Snow Queen cakes are superior to Fabulous BB cakes, what adjective is fitting for the Snow Queen ?

Got the ouchies again and I’m desperate for something to take my mind off it. The best way I have for that is to do something nice for someone but opportunities have been lacking lately.

So it’s time to dive into music instead. Theme is similar to the last one, except that instead of doing 70s, 80s, 90s etc this one will be ages 0-10, 11-20, 21-30 and 30-too many :

Age 0-10 (1974-1984) is dominated by things I grew up with :

1 – Star Wars theme by John Williams. I was just about old enough to watch Return Of The Jedi in the cinema when it first came out and we always watched the movies when they were a Xmas essential. The movies (all 6 – I’m a forgiving fan) were amazing and are still good today. They’ve been joined by some excellent books too but ignore the New Jedi Order series and ANY book written by Kevin J Anderson.

2 – Strange Land by Clannad. Another series I grew up with was Robin Of Sherwood (the Michael Praed version). The series hasn’t aged particularly well (it wasn’t that great to start with !) but the music is pure Irish magic. Clannad are one of those groups that keep coming out with music with plenty of character, driven by the pure vocals of Maire Brennan.

3 – Army Dreamers by Kate Bush. Yep, little boys have dreams about what they’ll be doing when they grow up and I was no exception. Although with me, that was coloured by living in Northern Ireland until 11 when the Troubles were starting to wind down. Oh, this track could have been the Milky Bar Kid ad tune, as I was as much a lookalike as the Milky Bar Kid lookalike in the video.

Age 11-20 (1985-1994)

4 – We’re the Bunburys by Barry Gibb. I was never too good at football at school and rugby was too muddy (although I was devastating on the wing until knee injuries intervened). Cricket was ace, it gave me an outlet for wanting to run around that fit in perfectly with how my body has always been set up : short bursts of intense action with time to recover. Had some happy days with the cricket and collected a few trophies along the way. This track got adopted as one of the unofficial cricket anthems for a while.

5 – Who Wants To Live Forever by Queen. I have special reasons for posting a song with a theme like this … A toast to memories, may they last forever even if we don’t.

6 – More Than The Blues by All About Eve. I’m a huge All About Eve fan but may not have turned into one if not for this song. It’s good but not their best (Apple Tree Man, Scarlet, Are You Lonely and many more) but it caught me when it came on the telly live (quite possibly that linked performance). They have a beautiful singer with a voice that’s always been one of my favourites. Great songs, great band, amazing singer.

Age 21-30 (1995-2004) – oh wow this is a hell of a decade for me. University, starting work, big relationship and running straight into a traumatic breakup.

7 – Changes by David Bowie. (iTunes claims it’s 1999). So many changes … I went from school and living with the parents to university and surviving with new friends to starting work and very definitely surviving on my own. And then relationship to incoming breakup.

8 – Should be Intense by Alisha’s Attic and I can’t believe that’s not on Youtube anywhere … This was a fairly intense time, 2 big relationships (I don’t go in for small flings, it’s all my heart or nothing) plus all the studying for uni. Then needing to find a job after uni and bouncing round the country on placements for the first 2 years of work. Definitely intense. But also fun amongst the heartache.

9 – What Do I Do Now ? by Sleeper. Which was exactly what I was thinking after uni … There’s a curious contrast between Sleeper and All About Eve. Sleeper’s singer outshone her band, which did them a lot of damage. All About Eve’s singer was a vital part of their band, you thought of them as All About Eve and not Julianne Regan + band whereas Sleeper was definitely Louise Wiener + band. However, Julianne Regan is an infinitely better singer than Louise Wiener. It’s curious the way things like that happen.

Age 31-37 (2005-now)

10 – It’s All Over Bar The Crying by Garbage. This time started with me running straight into a major relationship breakup, which happened a fortnight after returning from the USA on a holiday of a lifetime type thing. It’s incredibly rare that I’m brought to actual tears but this period had me very close to them on many occasions. It’s not so much the shock of a “This Is The End” type thing, it’s first dealing with the fallout where I had to lean heavily on the support of friends and then looking at a great gaping void where you thought the future used to be.

11 – If There’s A Rocket Tie Me To It by Snow Patrol. Yes, I listen to male singers too occasionally! Snow Patrol can come out with a very raw emotional sound and while I don’t show mine too much, it’s the same under my skin.

12 – Don’t Kiss The Broken One by Hannah Peel. Hannah Peel’s music makes me grin. And this one kinda sums me up too. Despite thinking there might be something there a few times since the Ravenwolf (aka Evil Ex but I’m burying that codename from now) breakup, it’s not been a mutual attraction. Rejection I can handle but I struggle to deal with being ignored, which is what those few times turned into. I also have a habit of chasing the unattainable while completely missing the obvious

31 to 37 too maudlin ? Perhaps I’m still living in 2005 and haven’t moved on sufficiently yet. Or it’s a reflection of how I’m feeling at the moment – I’m having trouble ignoring a sore back.

Last one – bonus track which sums me up : Still A Weirdo by KT Tunstall 🙂 And that’s : Weird and proud of it.

I just want the car because of the color.

It’s still amazing how far games have come …

Hell – that includes all types of virtual environments, which I touched on by mentioning how the models in 2001 look as good now as they did in 1968 when the film first came out. They don’t use models any more though, movie graphics get done in computers giving incredible amounts of shininess.

Movies can cheat a little though, as it doesn’t matter if it takes an hour to draw every frame if the completed thing isn’t going to be on screens for a while. Games on the other hand, depend on getting their images drawn very quickly and the hardware needs to be able to react to what the player is doing.

It’s no good having a view like :

If it comes on screen like the computer hamsters have their easel and brushes out, that’s no good. Bit like our machines at work at the moment when they do the daily virus scan (which is irrelevant with cloud data anyway). No – a gamer needs the graphics to :

Not slow when things get busy,
Not be too jerky,
And not interfere with the actual game play.

Think of if you’re driving and are blinking your eyes closed half the time. It’s tough. (Albeit highly tempting with the standard of driving at the moment). That’s what poor “frames per second” feels like as a gamer. The world is going on around you but you can only affect it when your eyes are open. To have good playability, games need images like the one above to come at at least 30 frames per second, preferably 60.

Uhoh – think I just detected a trace of philosophy coming from this addled brain. I promise to stop that.

So – you don’t really need graphics of the quality above, you need them to keep up with what’s happening. But it’s awesome when you can have your cake and not have it go straight on your hips. I was quite pleased when Skyrim told me it would be happy on maximum detail with my machine :-).

Here’s another pic :

That’s from high up in a town called Whiterun, which is located on the top of a hill. It makes for a spectacular view. The detail is incredible too. It puts other games like Star Wars Old Republic to shame, that one looks fairly crude in comparison. Deus Ex Human Revolution looked pretty good too but a key difference there is that DXHR has closed environments, Skyrim is totally open. Those forests over there – you can walk to them.

It also helps that, for a change, it’s a Bethesda game that I seem to be getting on with … I’ve got bored with their earlier efforts quite early. They allow a lot of bugs to get unleashed in the release versions of their games.

That quality does look awesome though. The wildlife areas are just as detailed and colourful as you might see out in the countryside. Possibly richer colours too cos you can cheat with the contrast on the monitor. With patches, the water looks incredible too. Instead of going for a certain visual style like games like Warcraft do, they’re looking for Ultra Real which helps with getting the player immersed in the game. Wonder if that’s why SWTOR didn’t catch me ?

And you can probably guess what I’m going to be up to very soon … More Skyrim !

Last thing though – it didn’t look good for our hero earlier :

(clicky on the various pics for higher res)

Oh – Real vs Virtual – the view from Whiterun is better than the view from Snowdon. But that’s because as we reached the summit, all the fog rolled in hiding the view ! Which is what they used to do in old games, they’d fog away the long distance stuff so the machine wouldn’t need to spend time drawing it.

PS If that guard says “but I took an arrow to the knee” again …

Lol – I think my brain is currently in a place where character development would be totally lost on me 🙂

Battle: Los Angeles was definitely action packed, but the dialog was cheesy and horribly written…it's great if you like things that go =BOOM= but not so hot if you want plausible characters.

The Spouse Thingy really liked it, though…he doesn't care about character development, LOL