Year: 2012

I want very much to give you a hug

an upcoming holiday sounds like a good thing

There’s a thing about certain bad news. No matter how much you know the near 100% possibility of certain things happening, there’s no real preparation for when it does occur.

That feeling’s hit again today. I think it’s due to feelings of being powerless. Some things you just cannot change or influence in any way. You know something bad’s going to happen but nothing you can do can change the outcome.

That’s a huge reason why I went into engineering as a career choice rather than medicine like the other half of the family. Doesn’t really matter if a machine breaks, just make or get a new one. Losing people though would be too much to bear. Hence doing stuff with machines rather than people.

That’s a side of me that I don’t believe comes out too much. I can be hyperactive on the outside but crying on the inside. And sometimes I’ll need to get that hyperactive mindset going or I’ll cave. But … I’ll only show negative emotions to very few people. Like – count them on one hand.

I suspect that’s the big reason why I feel isolated, because people don’t see me express the negative emotions, they don’t think I have the big emotions.

It’s not just that facing up to inevitability of Bad Things Bound To Happen, it’s seeing people who you care about in great pain because of what is happening to them. And not being allowed to help. It’s that feeling of isolation again, where I feel the shutters going up when I offer help. Maybe I just need to figure out a better way of offering the help. Perhaps the shutters go up because they want to shield me from the pain. I can recognise that from when I’ve dealt with that pain in the past. I didn’t want to inflict people with it at the time either.

I just like to help people in any way I can … And get frustrated when I’m denied the chance.

I’m rambling again. Or maybe I just need the chance to talk things through with a person or people I trut utterly. There aren’t many of those and I rarely get the chance to talk in situations where I’m not inhibited. I’ll not talk deep stuff in the office because I simply don’t trust a lot of the people there. You’re not just talking with one person, you’re talking to the whole office.

Still – the coping mechanism worked quite well today. I had trouble concentrating on Intended Monday Job (writing minutes) because my thoughts were at several different elsewheres but did manage to get a different one (Plz Can I Haz Money?) completed. I suspect having to run around various people’s desks is why I got the second one done, it kept me interacting with people.

Perhaps the news hit me harder than it should have done. But I do know two things :

Pink Hat Project suddenly got a lot more poignant,
I could really do with talking to someone* about Life, The Universe and Everything.

(*I guess that’s why shrinks and bartenders are so popular)

Two working days to go until much needed Holiday, unless cakes are delayed until Thursday. Yes. The cakes are that good. I’d delay the start of my leave for them.

Thought about that grindiness …

ME1 and ME2 – you'd do everything because you Wanted to. And doing stuff made the game easier because it advanced your character through experience.

ME£ – you do everything because you feel you Have to, it contributes to a "readiness" variable that affects the ending.

Wanting to do stuff > Having to do stuff
(and this is a crucial factor never to be forgotten when it comes to stuff that's supposed to be enjoyed)

I’m sure even the non gamer people might have heard recently about a game called Mass Effect … It’s been hitting the headlines for a few reasons :

It was the first Headline sign that the Game group of shops were going under,
The day 0 DLC that was included on the dvd
Nerd Rage is rampant over the endings
And there’s the online campaign to get those endings changed …

I’ve just finished the last in the trilogy now so I now know what they meant by those endings.

As a purist gamer and avid viewer of scifi on the telly, I really don’t have a problem with the general theme behind the ending I chose. The very worst thing with episodic scifi, which the Mass Effect series definitely counts as, is where the story is left hanging. B5 Crusade was just getting interesting when it got cut off in its prime. Serenity didn’t really close out the Firefly arcs. Star Trek (original timeline) left it hanging too. The Star Wars Yuuzhan Vong (New Jedi Order) books just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole for itself.

I much prefer definitive finishes to my scifi.

Blakes 7 definitely did it that way and it left it open to the imagination too. What precisely did happen when the screen went dark and Avon started his maniacal laugh ? There was a book to follow up but the book was rather pants. Farscape ended itself well, eventually.

And Mass Effect does that well too, in my opinion.

The first game set the scene and opened up a wonderful universe with great colour and contrast between its inhabitants. It was a gritty, real universe where possibilities abounded. The second heightened that, showing the darker side. And the third takes it to an apocalyptic conclusion. The ending is fitting and final, as it should be.

As a game though, the third falls a little short. The second is different to the first and improves upon the first in almost every way. The only area where ME2 fell short is that it is more linear with less potential for free roaming, the compensation being far more variation in the scripted areas. ME3 takes the base ME2 game and removes the annoying mining minigame. However, it also has less attention to detail in some key areas like the quest log. That used to update according to the status of quests, that’s got broken. It’s ME2.1, rather than ME1 done better.

But … the whole charm of the Mass Effect universe is that your choices in previous games come back to either haunt or hug you. Every choice matters and there are lot of awesome nods going back to what came before. Save the rachni, there’s a mission to come later. I’m curious now as to what would happen if you didn’t save them, as there’s a powerful enemy artillery type unit that starts as rachni.

Will I play ME3 again any time soon ? I don’t think so. While I went through Deus Ex HR 4 times in a row and was happily addicted to ME1 and ME2 in their time, that addiction has broken with ME3. I think it’s more grindy than the previous games. Almost like there’s a lot of padding in there to make the game longer with artificial content. Except it’s still quite varied. It just felt grindy at the time. (That could be me getting jaded on gaming in general).

If you’re a gamer and haven’t tried out the Mass Effect series, give it a go. It’s a highly impressive blend of first person shooter and role playing game. It has the trademark Bioware story quality as well.

But … my last memory of the game for a while will be the ending (not giving spoilers here) followed by a popup saying “You can continue the Mass Effect series through DLC and expansions”. WTF ! And you’ll need to know those spoiler endings to know where that WTF comes from.

It’s really sad that the last impression and therefore the lasting impression from this epic series is EA looking to fleece the customer for more money from DLC. The ending was fine but that ending message left a very sour taste.

At least the Deus Ex Human Revolution people resisted it with their game, except with an Easter Egg type nod to Deus Ex. (Deus Ex HR = 3rd game, set 20ish years before Deus Ex = 1st game). And that’s where I’m likely to be headed next for my next gaming fix, although there are those pesky dragons menacing Skyrim …

Managed to escape* early enough to have a wander around Bristol centre today …

*(this means – finishing up what needs doing in good enough time to take advantage of the flexi credit I’ve built up, i.e. a day’s work in 5 hours)

Walking into interesting pretty ladies who stick around to have a natter never gets old 🙂 Although the emphasis there is more on “interesting” than the “pretty”. There’s plenty of pretty ladies out there who I have no interest in talking to because they give the impression that there’s nobody home upstairs. “Pretty” + “Intelligent” = “Interesting”.

It would be better though if I thought of asking the “can I buy you a coffee” while the intelligent pretty lady is there, rather than while walking away. This particular pretty lady works over at our contractor’s office, kinda as a counterpart to some of what I do (my brief is similar but looks at different areas). But as I don’t get to go over there too often …

But … as so often is the case, the person I end up bumping into is not the person I’d really like to be bumping into. Maybe that’s why the “can I buy you a coffee” question ends up unasked, because I know I’d prefer to be doing nice things for the other person.

Pink Hat Project – oh my. I’ve been having increasing doubts here. I’ve been enjoying agility on a par with how I could bounce around a few years ago. However … I’ve also been unable to shake stiffness in my right hip that’s a legacy of a 20 year old groin tear, which I injured again 2 seasons ago. I’m mostly pain free (shoulder is always an issue) but this hip thing means I’m barely hiding a limp at the moment. I have most of my movement but this makes me doubt whether I should be hurling myself into as much cricket as there is time for.

Need incentive.

And the best incentive I’ve ever known is a pretty lady saying “you can do it”. Got me an A in English GCSE. Seriously. True story. Although going with that logic, I really don’t know how I managed the A in Geography and the A in History. The English teacher was far more sexy :-).

Summer styles – these are definitely coming in now. Although I was finding it far more difficult to tear my eyes away from the summer dresses than the summer belts.

Summer dresses = awesome. They enhance curves and make movement graceful.
(saying that though, some people don’t need the outfit to make them graceful, it just comes naturally to them)
Hotpants like belts = meh. They only enhance bumpy bits that shouldn’t be bumpy bits.

Must try and harder to have all my bumpy bits in the right places. My legs are chunky but lean, it can be fascinating to watch the muscles play against each other under the skin. My arms are spindly though and, although it’s reduced a bit, I still have the spare tyre look.

Going to be remembering old stuff again – bought myself one of these Cyborg Fly thingys … The games I used to enjoy most were flight and space combat sims. They don’t make those any more though, the first person shooter style has achieved domination. Moving in 2d is very passe though, 3d needs far more skill. The game to initiate this is WCSaga, a remake of an old classic (which I never played because I got addicted to Tie Fighter). But it’ll also see service with Starlancer, which I enjoyed but never completed.

Retail therapy without buying anything – I always seem to do this. I like having a wander around the shops and while I’ll look at stuff, I’ll rarely actually buy. Most of the stuff I want, I’ve already bought. Stuff I see for sale isn’t being offered at competitive enough prices to attract impulse buys. Like the Edie Brickell album I don’t have yet. I want it – but at £15 in the shop, it’s going back on the shelf.

Wonder if that’s a symptom of hard times on the high street ? There’s more empty shop fronts now than there used to be, even when the recession was hitting us. We live in interesting times.

Still, it was good to get out there and have a wander today. Sun was out and making it warm and the Costa Coffee Girls were in good humour too. It’s weird how fate works sometimes, their mistake which delayed my toastie meant I bumped into Pretty Contractor Lady. Delay = bad, Smile from Pretty Lady = awesome.

Coincidences can be wonderful things 🙂

Oh wow – I’ve gone from being insuffrably hyperactive at work earlier to barely able to lift the fingers over the keyboard …

I suspect that’s a sign of how much I’m in need of the week and a bit I’ll have off work over Easter. Time to rest and regenerate and listen to way too much music. (And maybe get out and enjoy the sun some too – but that depends on convincing people to join me). Maybe it’s because I’m preferring to be around the dynamic at work to having very limited options for people to natter to at home.

That last was what kept me in MMO games long after I stopped enjoying actually playing them.

Wait – this was supposed to be a Thursday Thirteen with lots of summer music 🙂

Aww hell – I’m just not really feeling that right now, maybe next Thursday when I’ve actually started that leave period.

Thinking of a few people right now and probably not enough about me – there’s a very special young lady I know who’s going through some very rough times right now. Would love to help out there as this little lady has earned all the help she can get. Trouble is, I don’t know how to offer and I’m not sure her mind is in a good place to ask yet.

But I can only lend strength to other people if I have that strength myself, so it’s time to put the dinner on to make sure I can be annoyingly hyperactive tomorrow. Just wasn’t feeling hungry until just now and I need to keep a regular meal cycle to keep a metabolism going that’s happily burning through the ballast still at the moment.

Chill out time ! And it’s starting with feeling Alive, Goldfrapp style. (strange video!)

Summer seems to have arrived –

Air con has been active in the car and it is soooo good to have a car with a functioning air con again. I’d forgotten that fixing the air con was another possibly expensive thing that needed repairing on my Focus.

Summer also means the cricket season is just around the corner. I’m hoping to play a fair bit this summer, although I still need to properly initiate Pink Hat Project instead of just talking about it. I reckon this summer will be very hot, very dry. Pretty good weather for cricket, as long as the groundsmen are allowed to water the wickets to stop them cracking up. Not so good weather for me because I suffer in the heat. I suffer in the cold too but at least you can wrap up more.

What am I saying ! Roll on summer. Cricket to watch and summer dresses to keep an eye out for.

Here’s a couple of pictures to show the power of the sun :

That’s the same hat. Topside and bottom side. I think I used this hat from maybe :

1993 – last year at school, bought it after leaving my old white hat in a golf bag after playing golf in rain. Hence being forced into buying a new hat. The old one didn’t appreciate being left in the golf bag for a few weeks. Oops ! (My sister found it after it had been bleached and still uses it !)

It would have started out life like this Gray Nicolls Navy Blue hat.

2003 – when my nose got broke. Yes, those are blood stains and that is definitely salt from sweat. I haven’t washed it and don’t intend to – the blood stains are a reminder that I’m not immortal. I could have been hurt much worse than I was in that incident.

That’s not the point though – look at how much it’s got sun bleached ! And that’s with me just playing occasional evening cricket, instead of all day over weekends.

2003 is the last time I wore that hat. I think I escaped long term psychological stuff (outside the amnesia) from being hit in the face by the cricket ball but I did feel compelled to replace all of my cricket gear. Some of that was forced (my pads ended up in a different kit bag), some of it was an unforced compulsion. I could have kept using that hat but not with the bloodstains.

One thing that did change – when I got hit the first time, my technique was perfect. I watched the ball all the way … up to where my glasses stopped it coming into my right eye. That’s why I want the Not Immortal reminder, it could have been a far worse result. When I got hit the second time, I turned my head away and it caught the helmet on the right hand side of the grille.

Last thought – at some point I need to do some modelling of that Pink Hat.

Random thoughts :

Shops that don’t want to sell you anything … I need a couple of bits of cricket gear : spikes and probably another bat. So I had a look in Sports Direct – found passable spikes, would have bought jogging trousers as well. But … no one suggested “want to try those on ?”. And I walk away knowing I get more interest and much better gear from the guys at Globe Sports. Sports Direct are a glorified clothes shop anyway.

Need to head over there again at some point – Globe Sports has a bowling machine and I’m badly in need of a short burst of batting practice to tell me what kind of shape I’m in there. It needs to be just a short burst (15 minutes) as my arms would fall off and I’d stop Learning. Later sessions could be longer. First session is to spark off those neurons to wake up muscle memory. Later sessions are for technique.

That’s the way I learn : I do. I remember. I think about what I’ve done. I identify ways to improve. But it often takes me a bit of time for the training benefit to sink in. Like not having a clue about why my boomerang inswing bowling had turned to boomerang awayswing without me apparently changing anything. I needed to mentally replay what I’d been doing to figure that one out (I’d been listening too much to cricket commentary)

Duffy has great songs but sounds like she’s on helium. Don’t get me wrong, she’s done some amazing songs (Mercy and My Boy are outstanding) but the squeakiness will likely see her not go past the 2 albums which have already come out. They’re good albums, I’m currently listening to the 2nd : Endlessly.

Snow Queen’s back tomorrow ! Yey 🙂 I’ve missed the Snow Queen. There’s just something about that cheeky little smile and the smart cookie behind that smile. If one of my big-grins gets answered with that smile, then that “Sleepy can take on the world” feeling gets closer.

Might need that soon too. Clocks changed this weekend, which means soon we’ll have enough light in the evenings for the summer cricket. I’d love to do the Pink Hat Project thing this summer but … I’m still feeling those old injuries and will need something to keep me fighting them. It’s mostly a mental thing as despite a sore back, I know I have full power available in my legs and I’m lighter than I have been in years. But – I’ve also been hiding a slight limp for 3 weeks now due to a dodgy hip.

I can be a bit roller coaster with my confidence – and a pat on the back or a smile from the right person can give me a huge lift. And I depend on that confidence to let me ignore the frailties.

Here’s that pink hat again :

(click for bigger)

I still want a few more bits of pink stuff but haven’t quite resorted to Buy Red Hat, Get Red Hat Weathered to Pink yet. Pink Hat Project may well give me the motivation to get a lot of cricket in this summer, which will do me a world of good. Still need to pick a charity to support, I’ll be consulting with the girls from work there.

Dementia’s hit the news – wonder if there’s something environmental here. I’ve been even more absent minded than usual and it’s not from lack of mental exercise. I’ve also been mixing words up more too (Globe kept coming out as Bloge)

Getting out a bit – we’ve had glorious weather here lately and something in me must have changed cos I’d like to be out in it. Need the excuse though. I’d like to do more in general, things like concerts. Never actually been to something from a proper group (the uni ones were tribute bands) and with the love I have for listening to music, that’s something that’s just plain Wrong.

I just like variation and I think I need to see New Stuff.

Sign I’m not That Old – I put my last pair of glasses on today for the first time in years … and Could See ! They gave clear view too, although they’ve got misaligned (that’ll be the 2 nose jobs). I think my current pair are 6 years old …

And to finish on something completely unconnected, managed to go 5 weeks without needing to put petrol in the car. That’s pretty awesome. And I only filled up due to fears of petrol strikes ! Yes. That’s kinda Panic Buy stuff but the car was just above empty so Nyah. 🙂

Very last thought : Furniture shops – Why u no sell hifi stands ? ??? !!! 🙂

PS Thought – Blogger’s country redirection thing is another WTH Did You Break It ? I have to add a /ncr to a iceangelthemerc.blogspot.com to get the edit facility and some of the icons back because the Country Redirection to .co.uk breaks all sorts of stuff. The key to change is to think before planning and then think again before implementing. Don’t just implement unwanted change without thought of the consequence. WordPress is looking like it might get checked out.

Currently ignoring the grand prix filler before the race (I watch them as-live but delayed) and looking through a few tech websites …

Found this story from Tomshardware – Hybrid Watch combines the best of analogue and digital.

Go have a peek and try and decipher the display. Took me a while …

I’ve used analogue time stuff for many years … Because I suffer from astygmatism (more later) which blurries up my vision, I have to wear glasses almost all the time. But – I want stuff where I can read the time without my glasses on, which means big contrast and easy to read displays.

I don’t call that hybrid watch piece of rubbish as either big contrast or easy to read (ok, maybe after you’ve retrained yourself). Old tech does it better :

That’s my current watch (yes, my laptop needs to be hit with an airblower!). The pic is somewhat flashridden but you should still be able to make out a time of 10.29 and 47 seconds. I’ve had that watch for I believe 14 and a half years, it was one of the first things I bought after getting my job offer after uni. (Which let me get a couple of loans to clear my student debt)

It’s an Accurist, which :

Has been solid and reliable for 14 years
Only occasionally needs a battery
Has all the functions you could want (although cooking timer is no longer an option cos the alarm is now mute)
Gold on blue makes for awesome contrast
Is still on its original strap
Keeps very good time (even after 14 years)

I like my watch, although it often spends its time sat on a desk instead of on my wrist. Someone else does too, because there’s a colleague at work who has the exact same watch. It shows the benefit of spending enough cash to make a purchase Worth It, I used to spend £30 every year or so on unreliable Timex and Lorus watches (I broke several at school) that would lose minutes between clock changes. The £90 for the Accurist has lasted a far longer than expected 14 years, with new batteries being about £10 every couple of years.

It’s also irreplaceable, as Accurist no longer make a design with the same clarity and contrast.

To show what I mean by my astygmatism, here’s the non-flash shot where I didn’t have anything handy to brace the camera for a 1/4sec exposure shot :

That’s actually easier to read without the flash … My actual vision is somewhat worse than that (blurry and diffuse) but it shows the value of having good contrast and clear indicators.

So there we have it – oldschool = still the best. Ignore the functions and flashiness and artiness and all that really matters is : “Can I read the time from a distance and quickly ?” I personally struggle with digital watches and that piece of arty trash from Tokyoflash is just pure garbage, to be filed with “there’s one born every minute”

Ok – maybe a slightly confusing title there. This one’s about cars.

I’ve always been interested in cars, the way they’re put together and how they work. I did most of the maintenance on my first two cars :

Fiesta – brake master cylinder, adjustments on the valves (which probably made it worse!) and just generally keeping that piece of trash on the road for another year while I learned to drive.
Astra – oh how much got done on this in 4 years …

Starter motor – this suffered due to an oil leak at the back of the engine, which was clogging up the starter. I replaced the original with one from a scrappy, although this failed because an essential bolt broke off the new one. Cue a trip back to mum & dad’s place where I could work on it and after a take apart to see how it works, the refurbished old starter lasted for the remaining life of the car.

Other work involved – putting a radio and speakers in, alternator and just generally keeping that one going. It was a tough beastie that Astra, built on sound high performing engineering like what Vauxhall used to do. That was non-safety type stuff though. Repairs like welding, brakes and the suspension springs went to the garage.

All that time, I’d been entertaining dreams of putting together my own car. This was partly inspired by the occasional trip in the Triumph Spitfire while my brother had it. Soft top, vintage car, great lines – immense street cred value.

But … my engineer head could see straight past those beautiful curves (curves are awesome, on everything) and while the front end of the Spitfire is amazing, the back end is dangerous and unsafe. Swing axle back suspension should not be allowed to get past initial idea stages (bit like pull-rod suspension on a Ferrari). It’s just a really Bad Idea that will bite you when you don’t expect and when you’re going fast.

I’d still like to see that Triumph back on the road at some point though and we have Cunning Plans in the idea stage at the moment …

So – kit car dreams.

We used to go to kit car shows fairly often :-). Thinking about how they’re built helps you learn more about how all cars are supposed to work. How much compromise is in there, where things are put to allow the people inside to get in.

One kit car memory resurfaced this week. We were coming back from Stoneleigh (kit car mecca) and the Formula 1 commentary was coming from a track called Imola. There had already been bad news earlier that weekend as Roland Ratzenberger had lost his life. But no one in motor racing was prepared for what happened in the race with the legend that was Ayrton Senna. We heard it on commentary and immediately knew something terrible had happened. That was a very quiet car for a while.

That memory resurfaced after watching the movie Senna this week. If you’ve got an interest in motor racing, it’s an essential film to see. It’s very sympathetic to Senna as a man and introduces a lot from behind the scenes that we just didn’t see on BBC. But … there are scenes in there that will be distressing to everyone watching – and it should be distressing :

Irish driver Martin Donnelly rolling around on the track semi conscious with bits of disintegrated car around him. No assistance, despite marshals being near. I actually looked him up on Wiki to see if he survived.
Rubinho going SMACK into barriers in an airborne car.
The Ratzenberger crash where you see pictures of the driver and you know : he’s dead.

And then the lead up to the Senna crash where you know the history, you know that Something Terrible is about to happen. But you can’t stop watching. It’s a different feeling to dramatizations where you know that (almost!) all the time, the actors and actresses walk away from being blown up on screen. This is real Bad Stuff happening to Real People.

And it’s very tough to watch.

It’s amazing how much change there’s been in motor racing and cars over the years, they’re unrecognisable to what was around 20 years ago. Even before thinking airbags, the structure is a lot more solid and the materials are much better. We can rely on our car being structurally sound, without thinking it’ll fold up under impact due to something gone rusty.

It’s the same in motor racing, where Audi drivers walked away from 2 horrific crashes at Le Mans which would have resulted in multiple fatalities (the McNish crash would have burst into the crowd) years ago.

I still have those kit car dreams, although they are dependent on :

Facilities
Cash
Time
Choice of kit

Cash and Time are 2 things I have much more of now compared to 20 years ago. Facilities have always been a problem. I’d need a garage, which makes my current abode totally unsuitable for a kit car.

Choice of kit is a thorny one as after driving one, I’d like to use hybrid mechanicals. In a kit half the weight of a Prius or CT, it should be pretty good. But there aren’t many cars out there which combine Curvy Goodness with a mid-engine chassis which is where those hybrid bits would go. I think I’d probably need to look at something like the Motor Assist system in the Hondas rather than the technically superior eCVT full hybrid that Toyota have.

We shall see ! I’ll be keeping an eye on the kit car scene to see if someone does the pathfinding on a hybrid.