iDevice Mania

Pre post confession – I feel like I been hit by the exhaustion hammer … rationality and quality may be compromised !

Apple have hit the headlines again with the announcements about their latest kit. I thought I’d say what I think about the various classes of computing devices out there. I’ll refer to the Apple devices throughout but I think what I say about the various device size classes applies to them all, whether they’re Android or from people who believe Microsoft can deliver reliable and usable kit.

(That last comment – it’s my firm belief that Microsoft are playing a private joke on us all by steering their software to unusability and they’re seeing how far they can push it)

However … Apple does have that lock in thing, both with making it difficult to move away and by attempting to force you to use particular versions of software. I refuse to downgrade to iTunes 11 because I rely on the iTunes DJ function within iTunes 10.7. This means I’m staying to iOS 6.1 and older versions of MacOS X.

First up – the iWatch. I’ll just say right now, there’s not a cat in hell’s chance of me getting one of these. I own an Accurist wrist watch which got bought last century. It keeps time almost perfectly (not quite as good as it was but 30 secs between daylight savings time changes) and I can never remember how many times it has had a new battery. Here it is :

Gosh that’s an old picture. Or is it ? I can’t honestly remember. Anyway – that watch does all a watch needs to do, although it did go mute on one of its battery changes. I can read it in very low light and I can read it without my glasses on. That’s the advantage that analogue watches have for me over digital watches, it’s easier for me to see the angle of the hands than for me to decode the fuzziness of a display.

I can see some of the functions that a smart watch may have would be useful for some people – it’s in contact with the skin so it can detect things like pulse and temperature. But – it’s a device that has no purpose for me.

iPods – I own an iPod Nano which saw a decent amount of service with music in the car. But I don’t use it any more because my phone provides the same facility. It’s a shame this one has become redundant but if you have a device that does the same without any effort involved in hooking it up, then one device gets left to gather dust.

iPhone – I’m thoroughly addicted to using smart phones now. I’m not sure what I would do without easy access to the internet. It’s not just the Facebook, email and twitter. It’s the ability to look up maps, weather, sport, radio. All that stuff. It keeps you connected to the world. And it’s a phone.

Incidentally, that last is why I ditched my Android phone. It failed as a phone by having 1 in 5 calls go to pure static. That may have been solved with newer software but it was a Sony Xperia that was OEM locked into an archaic version.

I firmly believe the smartphone is here to stay, although I suspect they are getting too big now. They are bridging the gap to :

iPads – to be painfully honest, I will not buy one of these. I can see their purpose, they’re a perfectly acceptable mini computer while having the screensize that almost makes watching movies or streamed telly, or reading books, making those activities viable. But there is that lock in that makes it difficult to e.g. watch Skygo on a telly from an iPad. (I think iPlayer works with that but Skyplayer failed).

For me, the iPad is a device in the middle. My phone does what it can do and for times when I’d use the iPad, I would have my laptop available. I don’t require that device in the middle. It’s an unnecessary purpose. I can see its appeal as a gadget but before you expend cash on these things, make sure you actually need it.

Laptop – this is my main computing device. My Macbook is where I communicate by email and it does the internet thingys as well. I also run my iTunes listening from the laptop. But I don’t use it for gaming or for the occasional graphic manipulation. The advantage of laptops is their portability but this is also their disadvantage due to smaller screens, less computing power and awkward UIs. The keyboard and touchpad on the Macbook Air are excellent but I wouldn’t want to manipulate pixels with them.

Desktop – gaming powerhouse. If too many applications go on a desktop, it slows down (Microsoft effect). So mine is aimed purely at watching video, gaming and that occasional graphic manipulation. You can load up a desktop with hefty graphics hardware that won’t fit too well in a laptop. Mine has over 1000 parallel processing cores in the graphics chip. That’s lots. But I won’t do the gaming when I visit the mom and dad, so I don’t need the hassle of moving the powerful thingy around. The laptop does the job.

So :

iWatch – spawn of fashion. Will avoid like the plague although it’ll be the next big fad that everyone has to own.
iPod – gathering dust on the shelf cos the phone does what it does.
iPhone – essential for everyday satisfaction of internet addiction.
iPad – device in the middle that is a bit redundant if you have iPhone and laptop.
Laptop – computing on the move, general purpose applications.
Desktop – for gaming and stuff where a big screen is handy.

Other people’s uses will vary – that’s my honest take on what’s useful.

And I can feel my rationality slipping – The skin’s improving but I’m feeling pain from stomach muscles that I think I’ve torn somehow plus a few more internal niggles too. I also feel like I’ve been hit by the exhaustion bat, so it could be early shower tonight, retire early, hope for some sleep.

PS I think I’ll be buying a camera sometime this year too. Any recommendations for a sub £100 camera ?

Random thoughts

And now for something utterly random 🙂

Firstly – happy Pete is happy. I managed to coax a very special little lady to have a look here. Hopefully she liked what she saw ? Although I have to admit, I dislike talking about my own condition which has been a recurring theme lately.

That’s a thing actually. I’ve been struggling for worthwhile things to post about. I get the feeling the A to Z’s are skipover bait. But listening to music and singing along to sexy ladies is what I love most. At the moment at least, singing actual duet would be even better.

I need a camera. Specifically, I need a new digital camera and I need decent image processing software to go with it. Here’s the latest creation :

Go on. Say it. It’s a bit naff isn’t it. That one was a picture of the moon taken from my iPhone 5. It’s ok in daylight but as you can see, a low light picture of the moon is … crap. I don’t swear much here, just where it’s for emphasis. So if I swear about that picture, you know I mean it.

I used to use a combination of a Nikon digital camera (so old the number was in runes) which came with Photoshop Elements v1. There. That shows how old it was. And no, it didn’t use punchcards to export the pictures. It was a very good combination though. Both for sparklies :

And for pictures of very good friends who I don’t see enough now :

That’s a high quality picture isn’t it. Of course, it does help that the lady there is brim full of fire and passion. She’s another little bundle of awesomeness and inspiration. How she’s kept going with all her troubles, I don’t know. May she outlive all of us !

Where was I ?

Yeah – the moon pic was made for someone with the intention of “I see the Jade Rabbit !” It was the Moon Festival on Monday, celebrating mid Autumn. It’s one of those happy festivals which is all about giving gifts. Part of it is about potential matches too, which caught my eye. One of the traditions is that ladies seeking husbands throw their handkerchiefs to the crowd in the hope that a suitable bloke will catch them. You can bet that caught my eye !

But – not a great source pic, plus I’m lumbered with using The Gimp as a photo editor. I don’t get on well with GIMP. Its selection method boggles my mind and I’m struggling to find the old tools that let me merge images together seamlessly. Here’s another oldie project for a sig I used for Eve :

Can’t beat a bit of duck tape.

News is filling up its time with two favourites at the moment. Please ! No more Oscar Pistorius. We don’t care. But we do care about Scottish Independence. That could honestly go either way. My opinion ? Give them exactly what they ask for. If they go independent, we must give them that. It would be an utter disaster for Scotland but … that’s what they’re asking for. However, SNP are painting a picture that hides the fact they’d need to invent a currency overnight, plus we’d be pulling all our support for their infrastructure.

But that’s enough about politics. Politics are bad. Especially if you’re in a job where you’re not supposed to talk about them. At all 😉

Weight – another person has noticed I’ve lost weight. I have to say, it’s nice to feel the profile of your middle and feel a straight line there instead of a couple of bulges to left and right. My brakes are still awful but I’m feeling that weight effect by being more nimble. And my ankles are improving to the point where I might be agile again soon !

Happy days.

Which reminds me – special little person peeked here ! Happy Pete Is Happy.

A to Z – K (and a bit of L too)

Oops – I’m kinda running behind on these, I’m actually through the L albums already.

Before I dive into the music, there’s problems on Youtube again … Apparently it’s my ISP (virginmedia) doing funny things with how they send the videos through. If you have problems on with Youtube videos, try uk.proxyfree.com. It might help out.

On to the music !

Kasabian kick it off with their self titled album. It’s a respectable album but they’re not really my thing. Sometimes with the more mainstream music, I fail to see what people are so excited about. But that’s just me and my fascination with sexy female voices.

I have Christmas music … Keep Calm With Xmas Classics has a tonne of old Xmas music. Some is fantastic, some is Nasty. One the whole, I’m glad I bought it (it was maybe £2-3 a while ago). It’s good variation and you know I like my variation.

Ketevan is the latest by Katie Melua and it continues her tradition of soft vocals, great melodies. Decent album.

Talking of sexy female voices, here’s Kate Bush who hit the headlines with her live concerts starting this week. But it started way back with The Kick Inside, an album full of character and incredible songs. Check out one I don’t think I’ve linked before, Moving. It’s … moving ?

Quentin Tarantino is one of those love him or hate him directors. His best for me is the two Kill Bill films. The soundtracks are excellent, starting right from the opening Bang Bang, My Baby Shot Me Down sung by Nancy Sinatra.

Another old classic, Queen did the soundtrack to the Highlander movie and turned it into the A Kind Of Magic album. Some decent songs here but my favourite has to be the poignant Who Wants To Live Forever.

Where would we be without a bit of classic glam rock ? And who does it better than Adam Ant. Kings Of The Wild Frontier was another of those excellent albums that’s great from start to finish. Including that title track.

One singer who had my heart for tracks like Days was Kirsty MacColl. She was taken from us far too early but leaves us with memorable collections like Kite.

Mansun come in next with the 3 Kleptomania albums. These have a lot of their classic tracks but the best for me is I Can Only Disappoint U.

And I just started diving into the L post a little early … Shall I keep that for later ? Nah – L is going to be Massive. Here’s where I got to :

I’m a Clannad fan. I have most of their albums and there’s a few that slot in here. First is Landmarks with the amazing Fado. I’ll close my eyes while listening to that and imagine I’m there. Their second L is the soundtrack to the 1980s ITV Robin Of Sherwood (the Michael Praed series). It’s a brilliantly carefree sounding album that fit the series perfectly with tracks like Together We. And the third is Lore,

Soundtracks … The Last Federation is a game released this year, not bad. I haven’t played it as much as I should have. (I’m not looking to learn new systems while my mobility is compromised)

Classical – there’s a few brilliant classics here :
Carnival Of The Animals – which has been well raided with tracks like Aquarium and Fossiles
Last Night of the Proms – always a highlight of every year. They’re joyous.

Enigma sneak in with their third, Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi!. It’s ok. But it’s lacking the character that made MCMXC AD shine. Perhaps running out of ideas.

Bob Marley is an excursion for me – and another who was taken from us too early. An inspirational person in his country with pieces like Redemption Song.

A few one liners :
Gabriella Cilmi’s Lessons to be Learned – highlight Sweet About Me
Avril Lavigne’s debut – Let Go – with the brilliant Sk8r B0i
Voice of the Beehive – Let It Bee – may I be someone’s Man In The Moon
George Harrison – Let It Roll – with the brilliance of My Sweet Lord (I’m not religious but that makes me believe in something)
Levellers – Levelling the Land – hopefully not too long before I can be The Boatman ?
Cardigans – Life – with the brilliance of Daddy’s Car and Tomorrow
Madonna – Like A Virgin – will she be a Material Girl ?
Lucy Rose’s debut – Like I Used To – nice album, has promise
David A Stewart & Candy Dulfer – Lily Was Here soundtrack

I used to use the title track with the sax and the guitar from Lily Was Here to set up my speakers. There was a sweet spot where the guitar sparkled when you got the treble balance just right.

I have to admit, I’ve kind of rushed this one out while half listening to the Strictly intro show. So I haven’t listened to all the videos before posting (just quick link/quality check) in case there’s surprises. Not quite sure what to make of Strictly this year, I don’t instantly identify with any of the celebrities which is hurting my interest in the show for this year. I think I’ll watch but I’m not … excited about it.

We shall see !

Hopefully it’ll be a good year for Strictly and if we get introduced to another Caro Emerald with the wonderful Dr Wanna Do (that’s not Caro singing, this is) routine, yes please.

L post soon 🙂 But not before I do a few more different posts. Cos I do like to have gaps between these you know ;-). And I wanted to give someone time to read the last one. (I don’t think she did but I had my hopes – lol).

I like eating out on my own. Plenty of time to loo…

I like eating out on my own. Plenty of time to look around, read a book in between courses and, of course, no problem chatting up the waitress… [grin]

Dining for one

There’s a kind of social stigma attached to that isn’t there ?

I mean – going out to a restuarant on your own to have a meal out. And there’s a few reasons that people would like to push on you for feeling bad about it :

1 – The “can’t you find a girlfriend ?” factor. There’s a definite social stigma to being single. Our psychology tells us that it’s not normal. We’re biologically programmed to be in relationships. Well – I have a couple of things to say about that :

It’s tough to meet people these days. Route 1 is to meet people at school or uni. Well, I went to a boys school and wasn’t very interested (that way) in the lads there. I had a long term relationship going at uni but that one was sadly doomed. Work is an option but I dunno – I’m not sure if you should mix work and relationships.

That said, I know a small number of ladies at work who are : Pretty, Interesting, Give Great Smile and Funny. But there’s that barrier between chatting to them at work and asking if they’d like to join you for a drink. There’s a lack of knowledge where people keep their private lives out of work, which is one thing that contributes to not knowing what the answer to the drink question might be. I wonder if some people in the office think I’m involved with someone outside of work.

I’ve also been using the Okcupid site for a little while now. And … shock horror … have actually contacted a few people on me. The resounding response there is sadly … silence. (I send hopefully nice messages that show I’ve read the profile) Ok, I have had a few conversations on there but they’ve gone no where.

I’m very curious about one lady on there though. I recognise her from something else. Which is I think a big problem for her, because I think a lot of other people may recognise her too. I think she’s looking for someone who won’t want in on what she works on. But I think the responses have made her think the people are more interested in what she does than who she is. And it’s led to her deleting not one but two profiles on that site.

So if that wonderful little sweetheart recognises herself there, I follow what she works on but I’m not particularly interested in being involved. It’s a bit too public … Plus there’s big chance of spoilers and I do like following her work.

No – I see the person behind the work and am very interested in knowing more. If I got that chance. But … it’s getting that interest that’s the problem.

I was talking about Dining Solo wasn’t I ?

If you’re looking for a meal out but don’t have someone to have along with you, don’t hesitate. Go anyway !

You have as much a right to be in that restuarant as anyone else. Plus if you’re on your own, you aren’t inflicting screaming kiddies on everyone else in the place. Or running kiddies. Or interpersonal drama.

I’d say it may actually be more socially acceptable to dine on your own than dine with people who really don’t know how to behave in public. I can accept the behaviour of the kiddies there but not the attitude of the parents/owners/guardians. If the kiddies misbehave, it’s the responsibility of the people who put them in that position.

And I’m rambling.

I’ll continue the Harvester “Eat All Meals On Menu” quest although it’ll take me ages. (I’ll only go when I go shopping) and I’ll go to other places too. I’ve become a fan of the Frankie & Benny pasta, although the last one was burned in places …

Don’t be ashamed or otherwise have negative feelings about eating out on your own. Do it anyway.

That said, I miss the intimacy of an evening out with a loved one.

Hibernation ?

Back to work tomorrow.

The main objective of this holiday was to get some healing in. That’s mostly for the troublesome skin thing but partly for energy too … I think I’m there with the energy thing for a few reasons :

I can feel that fire of the hyperactivity lurking in the background. It’s like an electric charge where your hair stands on end and there’s temptation to bounce off the walls. It also makes it much harder to get to sleep too, which is an especially terrible thing for me at the moment because if I can’t sleep, I damage the skin even more when I fidget. (I know – bad me).

So yeah – I think the energy is back, although I’ll see what I’m like tomorrow evening after a day at work. I have to watch the hyperactivity actually, as it makes me act without thinking. Which can be good, unless I’m behind the wheel where I drive … faster. And scare people. But I view the hyperactivity as a wave to be ridden and enjoyed while it lasts.

Skin ?

It’s improving, gradually. Some of my bits are much tougher than they used to be, although my ankles are still a disaster. I’m still my own worst enemy with it, I just can’t resist damaging it even more. We’ll see how it does over the next week at work. But I do see general and visible improvement with it.

What have I been up to ?

Lots of cricket watching 🙂 Some good (the county games), some really bad (the England games). Still worth watching for the cricket addict though. There was supposed to be a local England game in Bristol on Monday but that got abandoned due to the horrible weather we’ve been having. It’s ok at the moment (looks outside, sees Yellow Face, hides).

Some gaming – I’m still not back to wanting to learn any new gaming systems so I’ve been on Moo2 and Defence Grid a lot. Moo2 is a space strategy game, Defence Grid is a tower defence game. I’ve been beating high scores on Defence Grid and trying to beat Moo2 again. I have a quite slow but if it gets enough time, irresistable strategy in Moo2. Trouble is, the vaguaries of the AI lead to it having enemies go from My Friend to I Hate You inside a turn.

Many music hours – iTunes tells me it’s 796 unique tracks listened to since Friday 22nd. That’s a bit down on my usual, which is a sign of how much cricket has been on the telly. There’s been a tonne of good albums in that batch, I’m due posting the A to Z – K list soon and coming up very soon is one of the very best albums in the collection – Long Gone Before Daylight by the Cardigans. It’s chock full of outstanding tracks.

And a film – we watched Lucy on Thurday.

Interesting film, very well made as you’d expect from Luc Besson. Scarlett Johanssen is as good as we’ve come to expect. Strange film actually, it’s liberally interspersed with jump cuts to things like leopards chasing gazelles (it kinda makes sense in context)

When I watched Lucy, my mind was going back to another film called Limitless. They both share a theme that drugs are the path to unlocking the power of the mind. They go about it in different ways though. Limitless rubbed me up the wrong way by glorifying the power of the drugs. It gave a Drugs are for Winners message, which I wholly disagree with. I avoid drugs, if you don’t absolutely need them you shouldn’t be on them. Things like painkillers, if I used those I’d do even more damage to myself by not heeding the warnings from abused bits of body. Mind you :

I am on 2 antihistamine a day (8 hour ones).
I could probably do with sleeping tablets to knock me out and stop me fidget-damaging myself.
I’m still taking the vitamin tablets.

Anyway – Lucy’s message is more a highlight of the dangers. The character quickly came to realise that the drugs would kill her, which is the antithesis of the message of Limitless. I’ll stop there to avoid spoilers, although the Mind Over Matter thing was a little bit too much scifi for me. The brain is a massive computer, while there are unexplained phenomena like alleged clairvoyance and telekinesis, I can’t rationally believe that even a hopped up supercharged brain can achieve these metaphysical feats.

Fun film though. Well worth seeing.

Last bit ? I’ve continued to lose weight … I think there’s two parts to this :

At the start of the holiday, my knees and legs were exploded. They were so swollen that it felt like someone was trying to lever off my kneecaps with a screwdriver. Now, my knees are nicely knobbly. Little bit scarred but that’s the damage for you. I think some of the weight was in the swelling.

Eating properly – the weight’s started coming off since I rediscovered the pasta stuff. So that’s the F+B dinners, plus the pasta bakes I get from ready meals at home. I could do with learning how to do those myself. Home ingredients are more controllable. Plus there’s the leftovers.

At the last check, I was down by 1.5 stone, to a weight of 12.5 stone. That’s pretty good and is a decent target weight for my current build. Less would be better. I don’t need the weight of muscle on my legs any more, although it’s a good supplement to weak arms. Like, lift with the legs with a straight back, instead of breaking things by being all bent over. We’ll see how the weight goes but I’ve shifted into trying to maintain a weight instead of losing more.

But only cos I don’t want to have to buy new trousers !

Bring me cookies

I’m off work for a week !

Hurrah !

Yeah. Having a break for a bit. It does help that I can have a week’s worth of leave for the cost of only 4 days of annual leave, courtesy of us having Monday off anyway. I’m not quite sure how I’m doing actually. Some times, I feel absolutely mentally and physically shot. I definitely need the break but I’m not in quite the same bad way as I have been on some of these.

A quick summary :

My ankles hate me. A lot of me is still shredded but my ankles are the most painful. Most of the shreddies aren’t actually painful, just messy. But the ankles have been badly swollen and I’d actually admit to pain from them that’s been extremely distracting. However … if I’m moving around, they’re ok. I have full stompiness available, except for the first few steps.

My hips hate me too, I’m not quite sure what’s happening there but sometimes they hurt so bad I’ll get close to letting a howl of pain out. My neck too, that’s been feeling like grinding glass in there when I move it but it doesn’t make me quite as uncomfortable as the hips and ankles.

But – I’m not actually that bad. I’m counting on the aches and pains subsiding as my body decides to return to normal. The aches are there due to swelling from the damage so as the damage repairs, I should normalise. My ankles and knees are already normalising.

Yey me.

I suspect switching some of my diet over to the pasta bakes is really helping there. The extra carbs are giving my body the energy it needs to keep on fighting. Plenty more of those to come tomorrow as well, it’ll be Twenty20 Blast finals day and I fully intend to grab a pizza at half time. Timings are awkward actually, Doctor Who starts up again too and I NEED to watch that. (It’ll keep on the recorder until Sunday)

Intentions for next week ?

Tomorrow’s the county cricket final. Monday will be the first one day international. It’s in Bristol, so I suspect rain ;-). I intend to have a very light week, trying to leave my shredded body alone enough for it to get some healing in. I think if I can give it 3 clear days, it’ll make a massive improvement. But things like the ankles don’t get that chance when they’re under socks and in shoes.

We shall see. It’s that mental battle again.

Sunday will also see the Belgian Grand Prix. It’s known as the fans’ GP. I’d love to go, was considering it this year but alas, haven’t healed enough to consider putting any plans together. Perhaps next year. Things like motorsport tend to be better on telly because they have cameras all over the racetrack but I’d like to go for the experience of it. The smells, the sounds. All that good stuff.

I’ll be listening to a massive amount of music. iTunes tells me there’s 6 days to listen to still, that grew with :
Foxes – Glorious – it was going for £3 (dirt cheap) so I thought what the hell, I’ll try that. I’m listening to the first track right now and … very mainstream but promising. There’s a good voice there.
Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack – awesome movie, excellent soundtrack. It’s the “Awesome Mix Number 1” album.
Bobby Vinton greatest hits – this was playing in Frankie and Bennys the other day and I went “how come I don’t have any of this ?”

I have a new quest that’ll be indulged at some point when the food runs out. There’s a Harvester restuarant next door to the local Tescos. The quest is to eat my way through the menu. It’ll take a while because I’ll only go in there when doing shopping but … it is sooooo good. As a suggestion of how good, there’s a good Dominos pizza shop there too. I’m a pizza fiend, yet the Dominos will have NO CHANCE next to that Harvester.

They’re that good. Hopefully they’ll stay that way. There is a downside though, their vegetarian selection is derisory.

I’ll go see Lucy at some point too. It’ll either be with Cyberkitten and BionicDwarf or … someone from Okcupid ;-). Yep. Been having a very pleasant natter with a lady on there today and she’d like to see Lucy. Maybe ? That would be particularly awesome. (And I owe her a post about why I find cricket so special)

But it started today actually with a wander around the centre of Bristol. I find doing the shopping wander therapeutic. I don’t usually buy much but it gets me out walking around in relatively fresh (as city air gets) air and around people. That’s another of my contrasts. I can get really uncomfortable in a crowd but I also have to be around people.

Perhaps the Big Grin needs to be fed some answering smiles occasionally ? It definitely got those today. My ankles called an early close on the town run and sent me home via the cookie shop. And the girl on the cookie shop stand definitely caught that grin.

It was amazing – and so was the triple chocolate muffin.

That might end up being my epitaph (hopefully in a few decades) – Here lies Dwagonman, powered by smiles in life.

A to Z – J for Joy of music

Another day, another music post :-).

It’s the J’s this time. Not so many this time around.

It starts off with a soundtrack – the Jade Empire soundtrack. This game was the first that Bioware tried on a world and combat system they invented all on their own. Before, they’d done games based on the Dungeons & Dragons rules. This one had mixed reviews, perhaps it was a little too simplified to make it go on consoles. Great atmospheric oriental style soundtrack however.

Alanis Morissette is in here with her debut, Jagged Little Pill. It still stands up as an excellent album today. Stand out tracks include the hypercute Perfect.

I’ve always been a huge James Bond fan. The movies are usually highly worth watching. My favourite Bond I think is Timothy Dalton. He was a suitably tortured Bond personality, yet definitely fit the role of master hit man. My collection is from before his time though and includes songs from the Connery and Moore era. My favourite is Carly Simon’s Nobody Does It Better. I suspect a slight crush on Barbara Bach’s super spy …

I get some of my pointers for new music from Itunes Single of the Week. It’s a freebie from random people. One time it was Lucy Spraggan. She’s a singer songwriter who won X factor with her own songs. And if they’re songs like Tea Or Toast, you’ll know why. This one came on in the car and I almost blubbed. While driving. Fantastic song.

An old classic ? U2’s Joshua Tree is one of their better albums. I don’t follow them too much because a lot of their music, while excellent, mushes into anonymity. And their political views are batshit crazy. But it’s not about the politics, it’s about songs like Where The Streets Have No Name.

And that’s actually it for the J albums ! Short and sweet today – so … how’s me ?

I’m seeing genuine progress. When I let it happen. My legs have been swollen and my ankles super sore. But … that’s because I’ve been attacking them. I managed to leave them alone more this morning and was rewarded with less pain throughout the day. Hopefully I can continue that theme.

I’ve also lost something and can’t find it. It’s a full stone in weight. You can probably tell I’m quite happy about that and I’m trying not to find it … How have I lost the weight ? It’s the pasta addiction I think. My body has a habit of developing cravings. They’ll be pretty random and form a conversation with myself that goes pretty much :

Body : “I need food !” “Give me what I need ?”
Brain : “Ok, what do you need ?”
Body : “I dunno, just gimme food !”

And I pile into the biscuits, which just leads to the craving continue and the weight going on.

I think with the pasta bakes, the food need was probably carbs. My usual diet is solid protein. I guess I may have needed the carbs to give me the energy to fight what’s been holding me back.

I have a week off work coming soon. I’m hoping to heal up some more over that week. 6 more working days to go though.

Cya soon !

Into the shell

The news is absolutely full at the moment with stories about a lost titan.

I’ve not watched everything he was involved in, not by a long shot. But what I did see of Robin Williams convinced me he’s a one of a kind and an absolute gem. I watched as much Mork and Mindy as I could, he was an absolute genius in that.

A truly funny, insane, witty, exciting, sensitive person. But with a dark side.

Depression touches us all, to a lesser or greater degree. It definitely touches me, except when my manic side masks it. It’s nearly taken me from this world. I was having a particularly hard time with work (this is last century, the relevant people are no longer in the organisation) and while on the motorway, the thought hit me that it would be so much easier if I tugged the steering wheel all the way left at 70-80mph. That would have been painful and in the car I had, possibly fatal (bit weaker than a modern car). What stopped me was :

My mom may have followed me if I’d done it. I don’t think she could have handled another loss.
Knowledge of what something similar does to people. I still have questions there, it’s about an incident almost 25 years ago where I don’t know where the cause was deliberate, malicious or accidental.

But yeah, I was seriously considering taking the easy way out. (that’s the easy way out for me, I’d have been 24 with my only massive problems being bullying at work)

However – it’s only easy for one person. For everyone else, it’s absolute hell. What if I’d taken someone else with me if I’d tried to crash the car ? I have a repeating vision of me crashing a car with my dad in the passenger seat, it stops before Bad Stuff – but that vision still scares me because I’ve had similar precognitive visions that have since come true.

Is precognition an actual thing ? It can’t be supported by any scientific theory but … I’ve had a couple of vision/dream scene that have since happened. Weird.

Anyway – we were talking about depression.

It hits us all in greater or lesser degrees. When it hits, it’s utterly crippling. Not just from the feelings of being upset and useless but also due to the negative feedback cycle it traps you in. It’s a pit that drags you in deeper.

An example is me with my skin. If I left it alone, I bet it would heal fairly rapidly. However … I keep attacking it rather more aggressively than I should. When I do, there’s a voice inside going “What the hell are you doing ?” Yet I continue to attack and set the healing back. The condition is such that while I think I’d enjoy watching the boys play cricket, I’m not in a position psychologically where I can face watching a game I should be playing in.

The really tragic thing is when we don’t recognise the symptoms overwhelming someone. We bear part of the responsibility for them taking that “easy way out” if we do not recognise and act in time. We should not feel sad after the event, we should be helping out before the terrible happens. Depression is treatable, whether that’s from :

Medicine – to restore chemical imbalances in the body
Hugs – to convince someone they’re loved
Smiles – to say “I’m happy to see you”
Friendly ear – to allow someone to talk through their problems
Kind advice – sometimes this is telling people what they want to hear
Honest advice – telling people what they need to hear
Positive reinforcement – making someone feel valued

A few of those are why I’m happy to continue coming into work, even though I’m struggling desperately with pain at the moment. (It’s affecting my concentration – and it’s due to those self inflicted wounds). I get smiles from the ladeez and my opinion, knowledge and expertise is valued by my colleagues.

If you can help someone out who is struggling, don’t hesitate. I still feel bad about a situation many years ago where we spotted a female colleague disappearing at a great rate of knots into a meeting room in tears. Me and a male colleague looked at a female colleague with pretty much a “help!” look. I think my instincts had decided a lady was the appropriate person to help and that us boys may make matters worse. But I still feel there should have been a “Hi {miss} what’s the matter ?”

Always remember though, if someone is sharing their problems with you, then they are trusting you in confidence. Don’t betray that confidence, it’ll make them feel as if they’re the subject of mass gossip which will make their condition much worse as they’ll be less likely to ask other people for help.

Ok – I think that’s enough of my soul bared for one day !

Quick shout out to the lady who kinda triggered this post from things that appeared on Twitter today. I know when I talk Yogscast, it’s usually about the ultra adorable Kim who I would love to meet again. But this time it’s about the equally adorable Zoey. Our Zoey also makes great content, I especially enjoyed the Pokemon series, uniquely Zoey, definitely fun. You never quite know where it’s going to go next and that’s a common theme with what Zoey does, which makes it interesting.

But Zoey also struggles with depression. Big Hugs for Zoey ! While she had an evening on the livestreams last year, the depression is making it too difficult for her to appear on camera. I sincerely hope she manages to conquer that one and give us a smile on camera. There’s two reasons :

1 – I’m genuinely curious to know what she looks like. I can usually judge roughly how someone looks from their voice and that voice suggests there’s a shy and very pretty smile lurking below twinkling eyes.
But that reason, my curiosity, pales in comparison to :
2 – It would represent a major victory in a battle against a serious condition and hopefully a “I did it once, I can do it again” that will make it easier the next time.

So, Zoey, if you end up reading this, I hope you do conquer your anxiety. But don’t feel pressured or rushed, only do it when you’re ready. In the meantime, we’ll continue to cheer for you and hope that Fiona keeps those hugs coming :-).