Year: 2014

I’m having those uppers and downers again.

On the one hand, I can flip into that hyperactive state that sees me bouncing off the walls and thinking so quickly I can’t get any words out when trying to speak. On the other, there’s the danger of the depression triggers being flipped when I look for a response but don’t get one.

Personally, I’m seeing good things and bad things with what’s going on with me :

Good – the skin problem genuinely seems to be retreating with bad bits being reclaimed. It’s happening slower than I’d like though.
Bad – my back and neck really hates me. My neck’s been getting gradually stiffer and stiffer and could do with a bit of TLC. My arms and legs do what I tell them to and the lost range of movement doesn’t really affect me most of the time (bowling is all done, crossing legs can be awkward). I think most of the neck and back trouble is tied up with my problems getting to sleep.

Sleep ? Yep. Is an issue. What I need to learn is a mental programme to send me off to sleep. I used to have one that got the ZZzzz’s but it’s not working too well. My mind races through all kinds of thoughts. Sometimes it’s wondering if I’ll get replies to messages I send out. Sometimes it’s seeing faces with smiles and laughter that I wish were directed my way. Or even just that soft smile we save for someone special.

I’ve had a few of those faces pop up in my mind over the years, Sometimes it’s people I know from work, sometimes it’s people like the little lady off the videos. Now it’s another little lady I hope to meet for real very soon.

Good – I love it when I get a response. I’ve been fairly active on Twitter since I joined and I’m now following over 100 people. Most of those are very interesting people. Some are ordinary people who need a little help. And it’s great when you get a response (even if it’s just the “favourite” button being hit) when you send over a message. I see the messages on there showing people are in pain, I’ll tell them something supportive.

Perhaps that’s what I’m here to do – to find those in pain and help them feel a little better. Even if it’s just sending smiles their way.

Bad – I have that need to have a response when I do things for other people. Not necessarily a “thank you” but any response. What causes me most stress is when I pour effort (and usually a bit of my soul) into doing something nice for someone and I don’t even get the acknowledgement.

It’s makes me less motivated to do the nice things again. I’m not creative in the way that an artist can make a pen do magic things to a bit of paper but I can think of a concept and make one image into another. (This is why I’m frustrated with GIMP, cos it’s harder to use than PE1).

But yeah, my biggest motivation is when I can do nice things for other people. Sometimes that’s a Grin to bring a smile from them. Sometimes it’s a bit of work they need. Sometimes it’s a comment to make them feel better, sometimes it’s making one of those pictures.

So you can imagine it does strange things to my mind when I make comment after comment after comment and don’t get any feedback. (3 replies in 6 months – but I hope knowing that doesn’t make me Mad Stalker, just a person with a good memory who invests a lot in looking for a reply). I suspect I may be getting lost partly in the noise but … you look at some threads I respond to and … I’m the only reply.

I guess with the person I’m thinking of there, it may show a difference between Public Face and Private Face. You fall in love with the Public Face (and it is incredibly cute, adorable and has remarkable intelligence and humour behind it) but don’t realise the Private Face is rather different. I guess you could call that dodging a bullet by not ending up in a position with someone who isn’t who you thought they were. And yet you see the things she says and you know there’s so much compatibility there, at least as far as the Public Face goes.

(I suspect there’s actually something going on which isn’t for Public Eyes, which would explain the lack of response)

I’m hoping for something rather better when I meet the other little lady who’s picture has been cropping up in my mind lately. A description of a cute, quirky, intelligent, active and lively lady caught my eye enough for me to break the reticence and get in touch. And over the conversation since, I’ve just got more and more interested. I suspect there will be a fair few smiles when we do meet.

And hugs too. I’m still missing the hugs I could do with after a second viewing of Interstellar. The reason that film gets to me is that it heavily stresses the themes of Duty, Honour and Family. Certain bits of the story deal with unresolved emotions.

Or is it a more romantic Sleepy coming out ? That could be interesting …. I hope so. Because if I can get a lady to smile due to thinking of romantic things, then that’ll get me beaming too.

Cos that’s what I live for – making other people happy. Perhaps that’s another aspect of the depression trigger ? I.e. I do something nice, I don’t get a notion of whether it makes them happy, the dark bits of my mind assume they hated it and that makes me unhappy.

Perhaps.

Oh I also live for Running Very Fast and I’m getting closer …

I actually hit the Warp Speed button last night when coming in to the cinema from the car park. Result ? Everything works mechanically, I just need to rebuild muscles and twitch responses to get Warp Speed back again. But … the legs responded properly (even if my quads were misfiring!) and even if it wasn’t the speed that saw me clocked at 11 secs over 100m at age 14 (last time I had the watch on me before my knees went bang and then my back), it still felt good. Very loose technically but still promising that I’m still capable of it (even at my age – lol !).

And that felt good. Not as good as if the wind were rushing through my ears but still good.

Yeah – uppers and downers. But with that, I’m looking forward to hopefully meeting a little lady on Monday. I have big hopes but don’t want to jinx anything.

Join me in hoping it works out ? Cos my confidence could do with the boost.

PS This may also be a sign of me tiring and looking for the Xmas break to come. Yeah, could be … but I do find thoughts of tiredness evaporate when there’s a Pretty Lady smiling at me.

Not all the P’s, I did a small selection in the O’s post but there’s lots more to come.

First up is a collection from the Pet Shop Boys. Definitely a good one to start off a Perfection post because they don’t have much to take advantage of in the voice department but what they have, they take full advantage of and then polish it to perfection in production. The highlight here is definitely their breakthrough track : West End Girls.

I wonder if my waitress last night was a West End Girl ? She hailed from Belfast and it was wonderful hearing that accent again. I haven’t lived in Northern Ireland for almost 30 years now so my accent is pretty much gone but it’s great to hear it again. Miss L at work still has her’s and it was good to run into her again the other day at the lunch queue.

Peter Gabriel had a habit of giving his early albums numbers instead of titles. I didn’t think much of his 2 or 4 albums but numbers 1 and 3 were exceptional with varied, quirky and very well composed music that fit together well as albums. I’d pick out Moribund the Burgermeister from the first album and Games Without Frontiers from the third.

Edie Brickell comes in with her solo album, Picture Perfect Morning. This album closes out with the wonderful Lost In A Moment, which … tears warning.

Next is a pair of albums from the ever divine Katie Melua, Pictures and Piece By Piece which I think is the better album. Pictures has some sickly sweet tracks including What I Miss About You. Piece By Piece has wonderful track after wonderful track including the amazing Thank You Stars, I Cried for You, Nine Million Bicycles and may I someday be some lovely lady’s special Shy Boy.

Next up is a soundtrack – Planescape Torment was another Dungeons and Dragons rules set game, this time set in hell. It’s one of the better regarded ones and how come I haven’t played it yet ? Yep. No game time but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed listening to the soundtrack. Here’s the trailer.

Gorillaz came back in with the very strong Plastic Beach album. It’s their strongest yet with plenty of variation and some very special songs. My highlight is Empire Ants, which builds up gradually and then explodes.

Moby’s Play is possibly a little too perfect. Yes, it’s very good but it’s so polished it gets cold. Still good but not one I enjoy as much as the Katie Melua or Edie Brickell albums here.

Talking of perfection, here’s a bit of Nordic angelic astounding singing in the shape of Lene Marlin’s debut album. The track that originally caught me was Sitting Down Here but I think the strongest is Unforgivable Sinner.

Sleeper’s Pleased To Meet You comes in with the P’s. Again, a fairly decent album but not quite as special as their debut. Still, it gives a decent first impression with the opener Please, Please, Please.

Hello Air – if I get married, their tracks All I Need and You Make It Easy will definitely get played on the day. But those are on Moon Safari (I only mention them because they are SO special). Air’s Premier Symptome and Pocket Symphony are the P albums. They’re ok but the polish is probably taking away from the Gallic character and inspiration.

And if there’s a singer I fell in love with as soon as I heard her, it’s Mindy Gledhill. Wonderful singer, wonderful person. She’s the truly innocent, beautiful of face and spirit girl next door with the voice of an angel. Her latest album is Pocketful of Poetry and it’s … wonderful. Check out Little Red Bike.

Some old school ? The Police had a turbulent passage but that may have generated some of the best songs, led by that perfection of Sting’s voice. I know one person who I thoroughly believe Everything She Does Is Magic and the Little Cupid Lady is joining her. I look forward to her messages tremendously.

Going the other way is a voice that’s so imperfect, it has a special beauty of it’s own. It’s Portishead with the unique Beth Gibbons. Their P is their second album, which has Mourning Air. I challenge you to play that and not get your attention caught.

Bjork sneaks in with Post, which is another album that shows off the character of the artist. She’s totally unique, adorable and spiky at the same time. The famous tracks are Army Of Me and It’s Oh So Quiet but my highlight is the magical Possibly Maybe.

Heavy Metal time ! I bought a Nightwish cd yesterday to check it out but here it’s Iron Maiden with Powerslave. Good but not their best to be honest although it has a cracking opener with Aces High.

If you ask anyone what their favourite fantasy movie is, there’s a good chance that they’ll pick the Princess Bride. And the soundtrack backs up what’s on screen. It’s a Mark Knopfler special and … that swordfight …

Talking of great movies, there’s Pulp Fiction which is loaded with amazing tracks. My favourite is Dusty Springfield with Son Of A Preacher Man.

And it’s that time again … last album and it’s another soundtrack. You’ll see another from this artist in the R’s. It’s the Puss In Boots soundtrack which is another that matched the film really well. But it’s the guest artists that shine – Rodrigo y Gabriela. Check out Hanuman.

And that’s all for the P’s ! There won’t a Q post cos I don’t have any Q’s. I do have a couple of Queen’s Greatest Hits cd’s but those come in under G …

Cya next time !

I actually cried today.

Not sure how long it’s been since that happened. It doesn’t happen too often. I get to the verge of it and catch it before the blub happens.

Ok – back up a sec. What happened today ? (To put your mind at rest – nothing bad, apart from the slight tragedy of a Sleepy going to the movies on his own)

Normal working Friday, which means staying as long as I have to in order to keep the flexi in balance. That’s not as bad as it sounds, as I’ll stay nose to grindstone and finish things off before leaving – it’s easier to do that than restart something half finished. And then it’s off into the centre of Bristol.

It’s the opening day of the Bristol German Xmas market today. The best bit is the munchie stands to be honest. Traditional German Bratwurst for Big Sausages. Perfect for lunch munchies.

They have a lot of merchant stands up too, selling mostly touristy tat and a hell of a lot of sweet stuff. You could put on a stone just by walking past the stands. I want to go to the Bath Xmas market as well now, that’s much bigger. I’ve not been to that one for quite a few years.

Film ?

Interstellar is amazing. It matches Guardians of the Galaxy for best film of this year so far. Hell, possibly of the decade so far. The no-spoiler synopsis is that Planet Earth is dying and we need a Plan B. Conveniently, a wormhole has opened up in the outer solar system and we send people through the check it out and if necessary, recreate the human race on another planet.

The sciency bits are in there and they’re believeable and understandable. All the characters will tug at your emotions in one way or another. Matthew McConaughey is the undisputed lead and it’s his best movie yet, of the ones I’ve seen at least. The effects are stellar (sorry)

It’s long but doesn’t outstay its welcome (cough – AI – cough). In fact it keeps you guessing as to where the story is going all the way through.

And it made me cry. I’ll not say why, except : Go see it to find out.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I could do with a big hug right now after seeing it and when I see it again, I’ll be looking for someone’s hand to hold.

I see those feels as a very good sign actually. I grew up squashing my emotions down and they didn’t come to the surface very much. That’s made me into a quite reserved person who didn’t show much. I feel that’s changing now (perhaps a consequence of Nose Job 1 ?).

The new feels are good feels. They’re making me feel more connected to the world.

But by eck I could do with a hug at the moment. And someone to talk to.

I wonder how many times I’ll see this one in the cinema ? Saw Guardians twice, I may see this one more given opportunities. I’ll see it again with the Crazies on Monday but I think for more seeings, it’ll be with someone asking me to come along with her.

So if you’re Bristol area and want a buddy who will hold your hand all the way through this one, lemme know :-).

Gotta go now – will be hoping there’s either :
A message waiting for me from the Pretty Cupid Lady or
Amusement to come from watching Little Miss Kim videos
And that’ll cheer me up no end.

Since I got my new camera a few weeks ago, I’ve been short of chances to play with it …

Must get out more and get snapping.

But before I dive into “why isn’t an iPhone camera good enough ?” I need a different pic for the thumbnail ! Excuse me while I dive into the archives … Hmm. I’d really like to put in a picture of a Pretty Lady smiling because that always cheers me up but :

I hope I resist that temptation today 🙂 Ok : iPhone pic from a little while ago (ok, the last full moon when I was constructing a reaaally bad Jade Rabbit pic) :

You’ll agree that’s caught none of the definition of the moon. Not much of anything actually. I’m kinda surprised you can see definition on the trees.

Camera on auto :

Ok, that’s still pretty bad, even when you zoom it in.

Camera on night portrait mode ?

That’s better than Mk1 Eyeball. From the sounds of the clicks and whirs inside the camera, it took one frame with flash and quickly followed with a series of extra exposures to catch the low light stuff.

I’m impressed. Must try and find more excuses to play. I’d have liked to try and snap some fireworks but I don’t think I’ll get to a display. The most local ones were actually last weekend and I’m planning to watch Interstellar either Sunday if a mate comes along or I’ll watch it first opportunity Friday if I get the chance.

Could be a busy week for cinema actually :

Friday last week – Maze Runner. Impressive. Both the film, which I’ll definitely get on blu-ray and the cinema, which was the new(ish!) Showcase Cinema De Lux. First time there and the popcorn was … ok. Film was better.
Monday – Fury. This is a World War 2 film about a tank crew. Very gritty, earns its 15 certificate for sure. It captures the mood for sure, both the terror of battle and the desperation of trying to stay alive.
Tomorrow – could be Frankenstein (more below).
Friday / Sunday – Interstellar, depending on that mate’s availability.
Not actually sure about a movie for birthday week (13th and I’ll add another tree ring) but Hunger Games 3 will be out on the 20th. That’s a must see.

Frankenstein ? I know someone who is deeply into watching and playing horror stuff. She’s also deeply in love with a certain Benedict Cumberbatch (have to admit, if I were a girl, I’d be fighting people off for him too). And … the Frankenstein theatre show where he plays the Creature is being played again tomorrow night.

What better way to drown the sorrows ? I have to admit I’d feel very inferior next to the Cumberbatch but it would give this amazing little lady the chance to get to know an adoring admirer a little better. I think she’d like me, it’s just having the chance to check out the owner of the Dwagon Pics and the Grin.

Oh and there’d be a dinner in it too. Our little lady’s fans were much amused by a twitter exchange where she told us she’d been grounded for having the instant noodles again (the entire exchange reinforced that “100% adorable, 100% of the time” impression). I think she’d get a pass to go out if it involved a good meal.

And I’d be more than happy (overjoyed in fact) to buy dinner for the Pretty Lady. Perhaps a bit late though seeing as it’s tomorrow evening. Maybe Interstellar ? Sorry Mr Mate but the Pretty Lady would win every time !

This has gone beyond pictures and cameras hasn’t it … Perhaps. But there’s more currencies than just cash. There’s the currency of being nice to people. I give out my Grin for free and I get smiles in return. I like that. So while money can buy you flowers and chocolates, it’s being nice to people that I hope makes them happiest. Sometimes that’s the superficial things like the flowers and the chocolates, they show being nice in ways that you can sometimes be too awkward to express. I know I get rather awkward around Pretty Ladies.

But a better way of being nice is to show as much respect as you can. To be polite, say nice things (and mean them!) and generally do the things that get you the good karma.

One last pic :

There’s two people I have my eye on for that Player Two. One I know way too much about from the videos, the other is on Okcupid. Not spoken to the second for a bit but she is another incredibly busy girl. I wonder if that’s a type that’s catching my eye – someone who has a definite purpose in life and an energy that keeps them fully involved with Kicking Butt And Doing Stuff.

It’s a comfort actually – one of the potential Player Two’s engaged in a highly amusing twitter exchange and the other seems to like what I put in the messages.

Hopefully one of them will be that Player Two. Perhaps if we move real fast (here’s my mind jumping to conclusions again and running through scenarios ridiculously prematurely quickly) I can solve someone’s lonely over Xmas problem. Nothing would make me happier.

Ok – one more pic.

Sometimes I think I resemble a tree when my thinking speed goes to treacle. Oh ! Only 3 more weeks till this comes out on bluray 🙂 Prepare the pre-order.

And now for something completely different …

It’s a daft thought really but where would you target as your base to fall back to if The End Times came ? We’ll go for the standard Zombie Apocalypse type end time because stuff like nuclear war, asteroid impact (which also fries all the electronics) or biological stuff that passes in the air is a bit too nasty to think about.

So zombies. How come the thought’s come up ? 1 – I been watching The Walking Dead again. Pretty good series, the first season was fantastic but it kinda lost its way for a while. This season has started well.

I’ve also been re-watching the play through of The Last Of Us by our ever adorable, ever wonderful Kim. (Linky). That game is set in a world (oh my, I just heard those words in That Movie Trailer Voice) where spore infection turns people into varying degrees of zombies. The longer they’ve been infected, the more dangerous they are. It’s a fantastic looking game with an amazing storyline. This playthrough also tells us a lot about Kim as she’s narrating her way through. (It’s where that “interesting” tag got well and truly applied to our Pocket Lioness)

Yeah – go watch it. It’s not just a great series that will truly tug at your heart, it’s showing the emergence of a great youtube talent who I hope will stick around in that business for ages. If she doesn’t get a nervous breakdown from all the horror games. (That’s a point, I need more hug pics !)

Where was I ? Zompoc base.

I wouldn’t want a static base. Too easy to assault. If you go high, then you get swarmed from below. If you go low, then they just pile in on top.

A moat is handy. Some way of isolating the base from the rest of the world. Being able to move around from place to place would be handy too. That suggests caravans and motorhomes but they’re a bit too easy to get to. There’s no moat with those.

So what would I choose and why ?

The idea starts with the narrowboats. They’re self contained units with everything you need to keep a decent standard of living going. Plus they’re mobile and have that moat protecting them. Zombies on the side of the canal ? Just move on down the canal. Locks and swing bridges might be an issue though.

But I wouldn’t go for a narrowboat. I’d go for a Dutch Barge :

That’s a luxemotor style barge. They’re wider than a narrowboat and have that wheelhouse near aft. They’re descended from coastal trading barges but the live on board dutch barges of today are of immensely luxurious standard.

Zompoc survival is all about ticking off the essentials :

Power – rig the roof with solar panels and wind turbines to supplement the generator. Fuel will be scarce, so avoiding using it will be critical. Also have as many batteries as will fit to power things like freezers and fridges to keep the food good for longer.

Food – the odd run into towns would be needed to supplement this. Or there’s fishing from over the side of the boat. The drawback is that with no permanent base, there’s no potential for organised farming, although you could be picking from bushes while going up and down the canals.

Water and sanitation – there’s usually enough tankage to hold a fortnight of fresh water. That could be supplemented by a reverse osmosis (water maker) plant or there’s stills to catch rainwater. There’s similar tankage for the loo as well.

Cleaning – there’s a thought. You could use the washing machine that these barges usually have but I doubt you would due to saving : power consumed + noise made. But … there’s all that water over the side …

Consumables – you’d want everything running off electric eventually as you couldn’t guarantee gas bottle supplies. But a wood stove also has potential for heating. Wonder how long you could keep a cooker or a microwave going on the batteries ?

Stealthy exits and entrances – hybrid power is coming into the narrowboats and dutch barges. Normally, there’s an engine that goes directly to a propeller shaft. The hybrid powerplants can use electric motors to move the boat. So … to avoid attracting all those Zombles, just turn the engine off and motor in there in silence.

Security – it’s a boat ! Hopefully those zombies can’t swim …

Getting places – the dutch barge’s big advantage over the narrowboat is that they can go on open sea. Narrowboats don’t have the stability for that. There’s also the potential for rigging sails, although that might get in the way of the solar panels.

You’d want somewhere you could do repairs and fix up the boat too if it got damaged. I take inspiration from a certain Bear Grylls there. He lives on a Dutch Barge moored up in London but he also owns an island where he can take his boat. So if extra room is needed for a machine shop (highly likely) or just places to store Stuff, then it can go on the island.

So – there’s my thoughts on where I’d see me living out the Zombie Apocalypse. Dutch Barges are pricey though, they’re the ultimate of the canal barge world.

There’s only one thing more I’d want. Someone to act as sentry, as second pair of eyes, as person to help me keep my sanity in a mad, bad world. Someone kick ass who’d have my back as I’d have their’s.

I wonder who would be Tess to my Joel ?

Perhaps it could be a new Empire ? Clear the Isle of Wight, Isle of Man or Anglesey and turn it into a farm, then send out scouts in Dutch Barges. Sign me up 🙂

Oh – another pic. If the worst comes to the worst :

Feeling both better and worse today.

Worse ? I had another go at my outsides this morning and they didn’t appreciate it. They’re doing better already but as always, the damage I can do in minutes takes days to repair. What I didn’t say in the Psoriasis post is that I still have some Magic Gunk (aka Fucibet topical steroid) which helps the repairs happen. But that’s enough of nasty stuff.

Better ?

Yeah, I was upset yesterday. Don’t think I had that much right to be but I was upset anyway. But I don’t stay upset for long. It brings to mind a line from Barbarella (that [in]famous scifi film with Jane Fonda) “An angel has no memory”. So even though our angel Pygar has been tortured by the female lead bad person, he’ll rescue her anyway.

So there’s 2 aspects to our angel Pygar : love and the ability to forget. I think that may apply to me as well.

I can get genuinely angry at people but I don’t like it and don’t allow it to happen very often. Driving is a bit different because my attention is focused on :
Staying safe on the road – so my awareness is busier and I have less of a hold on the fiery aspects of me
Avoiding all the antics of the people who being unsafe on the road

Swearing does happen, lights get flashed, horns get hooted and I get way too excited.

I definitely don’t stay angry. I do get frustrated but I’m definitely a live and let live person. You should never waste time on being angry for longer than any few seconds. There’s been times when I’ve had the steam coming out of my ears on the cricket field but I steer that into playing better and leave it on the field. There are far better emotions to be aiming for. Like that Love emotion.

I know that if I did have any potential frustration with a partner, all it would usually take to make it evaporate would be something like a look, a smile, a grin, a laugh and suddenly that frustration or anger dissipates into far more positive feelings.

Yeah – I do miss having someone around. Mostly because I like to do things for other people. Partly because it’s a moderating influence that keeps me pointed in the right direction. Instead of haring off down a path to frustration and depression, looking at the person I’d love reminds me of the good things.

And that’s the thing. It’s remembering what’s important – why did you get drawn to your partner in the first place ? That’s the permanent thing. The temporary thing is the source of frustration. Emphasize the permanent over the temporary. Remember the wonderful, forgive and forget the temporary negative.

With my 2 long term relationships, both ladies were interesting people to talk to, although Alyse had the better mind of the two. I’ll be eternally grateful to Mad Alyse (her chosen nickname!) because she helped sort out my back as well. She supported me a lot, also took the sting out of my disappointment at not drinking enough to get in the cricket team (best bowler at trial, not at social therefore not in team). And Ravenwolf gave me someone to do nice things for (not just that).

With the person I was talking about yesterday – I think she peeked here and saw the frustration. I really hope that didn’t ruin her evening. That’s temporary frustration though, the permanent is that she has a continual power to make me laugh with her antics. That unpredictability makes me smile and the emotion and feeling makes me want to be around to give her the much needed hugs.

She’s very quiet and covert in keeping an eye on me but is an amazing, wonderful person who I’d like to know better. That’s the impression from everything I see and the instincts back it up too. And I think she’d like me too, if I could stay in the unpredictable Mad Pete mode that would keep her guessing too.

I feel I have to explain that frustration properly.

Outside of the 2 long term relationships, there’s been a number of attempts. I’ve thought I’d been getting on really well with someone and then decide to take that next step of seeing if they’d like to know me better. To ask them out and so on. And I only do that if I think I have a reasonable chance of a yes. But whenever I do that, it feels like a wall of indifference slams down.

It’s a pattern that I’ve seen repeated quite a few times and it’s really damaging to the confidence. I’d be fairly ok with a “Sorry Pete, I’ve got other plans” or them saying they have their eye on someone else. But … I typically just see total silence. If there was communication before, it ceases. Or the effort to communicate just isn’t recognised.

I’ve written about that before with the ladies on Okcupid. I hope it improves. But … what I remember is :

It will only take one very special lady. And then I’ll be happy. It won’t stop me grinning at everything else in sight, that’s who I am. I like to make people smile. But there will be the very special smiles held in reserve for that one person who I know will keep me pointed in the right direction.

Come to think of it, I was quite happy in the shared house until the end when an irritating person found the right buttons to press on me to make me Angry. Ravenwolf gave me the impetus to get out of there and into this house. Perhaps the next special lady will see me escape this house and embark on the narrowboat ?

We shall see !

But I’ll leave things there with a couple of appropriate songs. They’re both Cardigans but I love ’em. The first is apt for that inability to properly connect with someone. It’s called Communication. The second is more hopeful. It’s about singles connecting. It’s Song For The Leftovers. Both are incredible songs that touch your heart.

… Execute Darken Ship protocol.

Halloween can be fun. There’s the dressing up and excuse for partying. However … it’s not all like that. The problem is when the minority spoil it for the people wanting a bit of fun.

(Warning – I’m shattered and a little disappointed right now, so the depressive part of me is winning).

A lot of people, like me, choose to hide all signs of life from the outside world tonight. Sometimes, the scariest monster can be quite young … The kiddie that doesn’t understand that “Trick” often equates to irreparable criminal damage. Actually, that’s not usually the kiddies, it’s the teenage gangs.

I don’t have a problem with the children touring the neighbourhood on Trick or Treat (as long as there’s an adult keeping an eye on them). It’s the older teenagers who are effectively demanding sweeties with menaces. And if they don’t get what they want, then out come the bricks.

I’ve heard of that happening. It’s why I make it look as if I’m just not in.

Ok – enough of that. Gotta admit, I’m pretty disappointed again. I’m also suffering for energy debt too. Yep. Struggling. (I suspect that energy debt would soon turn into sparkiness if the person who I asked if she’d like to see the Alien double bill actually replied).

That’s another thing … I have two overriding feelings at the moment : Rude & Disrespect.

Rude – because someone who keeps saying that she’s lonely, doesn’t like being lonely and other things like that, isn’t checking out the opportunity when someone says they really like them. Yeah. Complete lack of any response (but apparent interest judging by the hit logs) is steering into Rude. Has probably been Rude for a long time now.

I think it would work out between me and that particular lady. I know a huge amount about her and what makes her tick, I know who I am. I think we’d work. I think she’d like the Grin and the person behind the Grin. But that ain’t going to get the chance as long as the other person refuses to come out of that comfort zone. I feel as if I’ve been wasting a lot of time and emotional energy and also investing some of underpinnings of psychological stability.

(Translation – I’m a bit fed up and depressed because I was depending to some extent on getting a positive reply. Or even a neutral or negative reply. But … I got nuthin’)

Disrespect ? That’s on my side. Because by focusing so utterly on one person, means I’m being disrespectful to the person who’s showing more than passing interest in me. We won’t get the chance to meet in person for a few weeks but I’m looking forward to it.

So the thought for how I tackle things over the next few weeks is :

Take it easy and see about keeping the healing going (I seem to be reclaiming my arms …)
Wonder how I’d reply if the Rude Girl replies
Investigate other opportunities (I know someone “interesting” but don’t know about the “available”)
Figure out what to say to the Busy Pretty Lady

Yeah. I’m upset.

But that’s partly down to seeming to have hit a wall as far as energy goes. I’ve been having the sleep problems again – that’s partly down to the Psoriasis. I’ll be flaking out in the evening yet be unable to drop off to sleep when going to bed. Frustrating. And then the itchy/scratchy/moreitchy circle destroys all chance of sleep.

You can probably tell that’s not doing good things for my state of mind.

I’ll be ok. I’m just feeling the lonely.

PS Watching Godzilla and I’m tempted to do the Alien double bill thing anyway. I have them on dvd and it’s been so long since I watched those two movies … Oh and there’s about to be the first Monster Mega Fight so it’s time to concentrate on the movie 🙂

This post is about a particularly nasty condition …

Now be warned, I may dip into descriptions that you may not want to read if queasy, sensitive, squeamish or just eaten.

Ok. I probably won’t be that bad but I’ve been pretty moderate with the descriptions of what I’ve been living with.

What is Psoriasis ? (wiki link)

It’s not fully understood but the usual sign is that the body’s repair system starts to go nuts. Lesions appear on the skin, itchy lesions. These then accumulate extra skin cells courtesy of that damaged body repair system. These are unsightly and itchy. Sometimes they get worse on their own, often (like me) they’ll get worse courtesy of the victim wanting to get rid of the surplus dead skin.

That’s the core of my particular problem. I think I’d have been repaired by now, if not for that compulsion to attack the bad bits. I attack them so much, they bleed. I literally can’t help myself when I start, it’s a blemish, I have to get rid of it. And when that happens, the bad bits expand.

You might be thinking – how do I get this ?

The cause is not known. It can afflict anyone, from any age. Personally, I believe mine was caused by allergies to lettuce amongst other things. I’m countering that with 2x 8 hour Benedryl (Acrivastine) per day which serves as anti-allergy and anti-inflammatory.

It is not a contagious disease. You cannot catch it from someone afflicted with the condition. Proof ? I have some amazing friends with the condition who have lived with partners, wives and children for many years after the condition becoming apparent, their partners have not contracted the condition.

Fear not – it is not contagious. REMEMBER that too, because a subconscious belief that you may catch it from contact etc does very bad things to the psyche of a Psoriasis sufferer and makes a bad condition even worse when that rejection is added in.

The treatment can sometimes be worse than the problem itself, because to mend the body’s repair system also means suppressing it with drugs like Methotrexate. That suppressed immune system makes it much easier to catch bugs that most of us would shake off, or secondary infections that our bodies would normally laugh at.

I’m lucky, my body appears to be recovering on its own when I allow it to. When I’m not attacking the bad bits. I actually feel a bit of a fraud around my PA suffering friends because I don’t think my condition is actually true Psoriasis.

My repaired skin is actually pretty good. People have given the usual recommendations of “try some E45” and “use moisturiser”. Yep. Did that. My shoulders turned to bark. I was Groot ! Sadly without the raccoon or the adoring hordes. But yeah, my body is doing it’s usual thing of responding opposite to what it should :
Moisturiser – dries it out
No moisturer – soft, smooth skin

I’m also lucky because :

So – it’s just a skin disease right ?

Nope. Psoriasis can develop into Psoriatic Arthritis (PA), which is a truly evil condition. Psoriasis attacks the outside, the same condition can attack the insides. It’ll brutalise the joints causing severe, chronic pain.

Personally, I’m suffering from :
Continual cramping in my fingers which makes it difficult to write.
The damage around my right hip.
A really sore and stiff neck.
An uncooperative upper back.

If I thought I had PA, then I’d attribute the neck damage and the finger damage to it. Possibly the back as well. The hip is an artifact from when I was treating the infections that took a while to get rid of (too much sitting on the floor). The fingers are from continuing fluid imbalance, which I think is a sideways symptom/artifact of my body repairing itself. As in, the body is using fluid to repair damage first and keep muscles in balance second. I think the back problems are more from disuse though.

I have a number of friends who’s lives are crippled by the effects of PA. The continuing pain on a daily basis is almost unbearable. Yeah, I scream out occasionally when my hip tells me it didn’t like what I just did and flick my fingers when the cramp hits them but that’s occasional acute pain. I can deal with that. It’s not something I have to take pain medication for.

Yep.

I’m very lucky. The condition has only lightly touched me on the shoulder, yet it’s put my life on hold for over 3 years now. I think I’m nearly out of it, the massive swelling on my feet, ankles and knees has gone and they’re back to bony again. (Means my knees are complaining that they don’t have the support jacket they demand !)

I expect I’ll be repaired again by next cricket season. In theory, I could play again. My joints etc would support that. I won’t though because at (a certain classified age!) my reactions are pretty well shot and I’m not the effective player I used to be. Sad but true.

But there are so many others who are not lucky. Psoriasis and PA have wrecked their lives.

Give them your understanding please, not rejection. Help them, support them.

Yeah, Godzilla was like that too. Pacific Rim was better though. Better characters. Including Mako/Rinko !

Curious how they'll put a sequel together. The set up and the conclusion were fairly final for the bad guys.

Pacific Rim was one of those movies that, despite all the possibilities of it being totally rubbish turned out to be awesome!

Oh and Rinko Kikuchi was very, very attractive…..

BTW – do you know that they're making a sequel? Due out in 2017… [lol]