There’s a thing about certain bad news. No matter how much you know the near 100% possibility of certain things happening, there’s no real preparation for when it does occur.
That feeling’s hit again today. I think it’s due to feelings of being powerless. Some things you just cannot change or influence in any way. You know something bad’s going to happen but nothing you can do can change the outcome.
That’s a huge reason why I went into engineering as a career choice rather than medicine like the other half of the family. Doesn’t really matter if a machine breaks, just make or get a new one. Losing people though would be too much to bear. Hence doing stuff with machines rather than people.
That’s a side of me that I don’t believe comes out too much. I can be hyperactive on the outside but crying on the inside. And sometimes I’ll need to get that hyperactive mindset going or I’ll cave. But … I’ll only show negative emotions to very few people. Like – count them on one hand.
I suspect that’s the big reason why I feel isolated, because people don’t see me express the negative emotions, they don’t think I have the big emotions.
It’s not just that facing up to inevitability of Bad Things Bound To Happen, it’s seeing people who you care about in great pain because of what is happening to them. And not being allowed to help. It’s that feeling of isolation again, where I feel the shutters going up when I offer help. Maybe I just need to figure out a better way of offering the help. Perhaps the shutters go up because they want to shield me from the pain. I can recognise that from when I’ve dealt with that pain in the past. I didn’t want to inflict people with it at the time either.
I just like to help people in any way I can … And get frustrated when I’m denied the chance.
I’m rambling again. Or maybe I just need the chance to talk things through with a person or people I trut utterly. There aren’t many of those and I rarely get the chance to talk in situations where I’m not inhibited. I’ll not talk deep stuff in the office because I simply don’t trust a lot of the people there. You’re not just talking with one person, you’re talking to the whole office.
Still – the coping mechanism worked quite well today. I had trouble concentrating on Intended Monday Job (writing minutes) because my thoughts were at several different elsewheres but did manage to get a different one (Plz Can I Haz Money?) completed. I suspect having to run around various people’s desks is why I got the second one done, it kept me interacting with people.
Perhaps the news hit me harder than it should have done. But I do know two things :
Pink Hat Project suddenly got a lot more poignant,
I could really do with talking to someone* about Life, The Universe and Everything.
(*I guess that’s why shrinks and bartenders are so popular)
Two working days to go until much needed Holiday, unless cakes are delayed until Thursday. Yes. The cakes are that good. I’d delay the start of my leave for them.