I’m feeling like that somewhat at the moment. Depression is a curse suffered by many (CQ calls it the Ugly Monster) and I’m definitely no exception. In my case, it’s probably a case of manic-depression. I enjoy riding the wave of being hyperactive manic but I know there’s usually a downside to come later.
At the moment, my Ugly Monster is raising its head from :
The cold. It’s getting into my bones and muscles, feeling like someone’s poured concrete down my spine. It’s actually not that much worse than normal, except that I’m feeling it more due to not having that hyperactivity to let me blast through it.
Feeling lonely.
It’s that loneliness that is really biting at the moment. I have great friends, like the Snow Queen, Craziequeen, BK, half the people on my Facebook, CK, BD & RCA. Trouble is, when I’m needing to reach out to them, I’m usually picking the wrong time. It’s hard to have a heart to heart in work time. People are busy. (Including me !)
What I need is the chance to talk with someone until we’re literally falling asleep. Bit like the original intention for 03.45am No Sleep, talking with friends until it’s so late you can’t stop your eyes closing. There’s stuff I’d need to talk about that are too private to be put here. However, there’s also me finding it difficult to talk to people about what I feel. I’d need absolute trust and confidence in secrets to talk about some of it. I must look a rather different person outside the happy smiling armour I habitually keep up.
I’ve not let that armour down to allow those emotions to be released for a Very Long Time now (even in my last serious relationship I was walling off). I guess I’ve just been single too long now and in need of more hugs.
There’s also a touch of being frustrated in helping people. I know there’s a few of my friends who could do with similarly opening their armour and unburdening those pent up emotions or just being able to talk through their situation to someone who can offer a soft shoulder and a willing ear … but the frustration is in not being let in to offer the help. I’m wanting to help – I just don’t know how.
Going back to the cold, here’s another Calvin & Hobbes scene :
We’re threatened with snow tonight, which could make it interesting to get into work tomorrow. When it snowed a few years ago, I was one of the few who made it in. It was seriously tempting to do a snow scene like the one above, except instead of salutes there would have been branches like the rifles of a firing squad. On the other side, there would have been a single snowman with a blindfold.
Woulda been hilarious. Like the rest of the Calvin & Hobbes strips done by Bill Watterson who is an absolute genius. Sadly there’s no more Calvin & Hobbes being made.