Sleepypete's Pillow

I’m feeling like that somewhat at the moment. Depression is a curse suffered by many (CQ calls it the Ugly Monster) and I’m definitely no exception. In my case, it’s probably a case of manic-depression. I enjoy riding the wave of being hyperactive manic but I know there’s usually a downside to come later.

At the moment, my Ugly Monster is raising its head from :
The cold. It’s getting into my bones and muscles, feeling like someone’s poured concrete down my spine. It’s actually not that much worse than normal, except that I’m feeling it more due to not having that hyperactivity to let me blast through it.
Feeling lonely.

It’s that loneliness that is really biting at the moment. I have great friends, like the Snow Queen, Craziequeen, BK, half the people on my Facebook, CK, BD & RCA. Trouble is, when I’m needing to reach out to them, I’m usually picking the wrong time. It’s hard to have a heart to heart in work time. People are busy. (Including me !)

What I need is the chance to talk with someone until we’re literally falling asleep. Bit like the original intention for 03.45am No Sleep, talking with friends until it’s so late you can’t stop your eyes closing. There’s stuff I’d need to talk about that are too private to be put here. However, there’s also me finding it difficult to talk to people about what I feel. I’d need absolute trust and confidence in secrets to talk about some of it. I must look a rather different person outside the happy smiling armour I habitually keep up.

I’ve not let that armour down to allow those emotions to be released for a Very Long Time now (even in my last serious relationship I was walling off). I guess I’ve just been single too long now and in need of more hugs.

There’s also a touch of being frustrated in helping people. I know there’s a few of my friends who could do with similarly opening their armour and unburdening those pent up emotions or just being able to talk through their situation to someone who can offer a soft shoulder and a willing ear … but the frustration is in not being let in to offer the help. I’m wanting to help – I just don’t know how.

Going back to the cold, here’s another Calvin & Hobbes scene :

We’re threatened with snow tonight, which could make it interesting to get into work tomorrow. When it snowed a few years ago, I was one of the few who made it in. It was seriously tempting to do a snow scene like the one above, except instead of salutes there would have been branches like the rifles of a firing squad. On the other side, there would have been a single snowman with a blindfold.

Woulda been hilarious. Like the rest of the Calvin & Hobbes strips done by Bill Watterson who is an absolute genius. Sadly there’s no more Calvin & Hobbes being made.

Tired again. Not a great day for me this one – the cold temperatures are getting into my back and making it feel as if concrete has been poured down my spine. I have been able to ignore that (plus the bounciness keeps the stiffness away) but there is a limit.

It wasn’t all bad, I was able to make the Snow Queen and Mrs Sunshine smile at seeing one or two of the comments headed their way after the Cricket Charity related postings. Mrs Sunshine got that codename cos that smile brightens up the room and it always warms the heart to see the Snow Queen smile. Although I am seriously scared by a comment by Dawnie on Facebook :

Me : it seems to be my lot in life. To be a slavish minion to the whims of Queens
Dawnie : At least she doesn’t demand you being a Eunuch! :p

Yep. Scared.

I did manage to get some focus and energy going today though, thanks to the Power Of The Crunchie. (I didn’t wave the Crunchie above my head with a cutscene of an old magical castle while transforming into He-Sleepy … honest). Strange colourings can be good things … in moderation 🙂 (The moderation comes from skipping the morning teacake)

Crunchie Power has mostly worn off now though. I’m not giving up (chillout+book later) but I’ll go with the kitten’s answer 🙂

PS Almost forgot – attribution for the picture goes to : http://www.cathouseonthekings.com/ which I found via Facebook.

Ok, so Friday I mentioned a potential project for this summer …

The idea was born from a conversation with a very dear friend, with me remembering a colleague from a couple of years ago. Combine that with the controversy surrounding Karen Handel, formerly of the Susan G. Komen group and you get me thinking I could do a little more than just contributing to charities. I could be the focus for a bit of money raising.

There’s a bit more to it as well. I probably have just one or two seasons of cricket left in me. Actually, with the state of my shoulder and a couple of other long term injury issues, I probably should have called it quits on cricket already.

But … I like running around at daft speeds chasing and pouncing on balls. Maybe I’m part kitten ?

Hey ! I’m strange and am not afraid to admit it.

It’s a curious feeling, this project. On Friday, it was just an embryonic idea that had the barest possibility of happening (me playing cricket this summer depends on my legs supporting it). But … that seed of an idea has taken root and it’s growing into a case of :

“So it depends on my leg getting better and the rest of my injuries cooperating ? Sod that, I’ll play anyway.”. If I tear stuff up again, there’s plenty of time after the season for it to heal.

And it’s similar for those other long term injuries. With the weight loss, I’m getting back my agility from a number of years ago. I have the same power available in my legs, it just has less weight to shift. That’s awesome all round. As well as being more nimble, there’s less stress on my legs.

In 3 months I’ve lost enough off my middle to do the belt up 2 notches tighter. Although one of my Facebook updates today is : “And just because you can put the belt one notch tighter, doesn’t mean you should.” I.e. Sleepypete becomes SqueakyPete.

I have a feeling there’s a bit of Positive Mental Attitude coming in there though. Bit like having a cause to fight for. Or maybe a few causes as I’m looking out for a couple of people right now. Or maybe I’m just pleased at the prospect of having some of the old bounce back.

So – that potential embryo idea of “I could do this” is turning more into a “I want to do this”. There’s a few details to look into though :

Which charity – think I’ll ask for advice from the girls at work for this one and go with what they say
(always follow the advice of women – it’s much safer that way and it makes them happy)
Getting Pink Stuff
(no suitable pink hats in the Mall shops or online)
Getting ready for the season
(I really need to stop relying on natural fitness)
And sorting out the donation thing
(Probably via www.justgiving.com)

And there’s that aspect of time running out. If I do something like this, I need to do it either this year or next. I’m getting too old now for running around cricket fields at daft speeds. The old injuries are making their presence felt more and the new ones are taking longer to go away.

As to the why … I like helping people out. I live for it. And this attaches “helping people out” to me having fun. Plus there’s the biggest reason why I like helping people out : Because I can :-).

PS Actually, now I think more about it, I think I’d do it 50:50. 50 for breast cancer for the colleague from a few years ago and 50 for Help For Heroes.

Some of the convention cosplay armour is good … especially if it looks like it's been made with the intention of walking around the convention …

I have some nice girls in Armour pics that I'll post over at my place at some point. Some of the Armour even looks half reasonable – to someone who knows nothing about it…. [grin]

Spotted this one on Facebook over the weekend :

Lol’d … And thought of my neighbour, Cyberkitten. Who will love it.

Fantasy armour is always a good subject for getting the artists going. I think the artists and fans of artists are actually the ones who go for the more revealing drawings. The D&D gamers get trained out of putting their women into daft outfits by the GM :

Player : That’s right – chainmail bra and panties for my character
GM : Ok, you’re about to go through a thorn infested bramble patch …

Here’s another one from an older game and book I read many many years ago … Curse of the Azure Bonds had two main characters, Dragonbait and Alias. It’s a pretty decent book (I brought it with me to Bristol and will read it again sometime) and quite early it explains away the abomination of a breastplate the female lead wears. ‘Magical thing causing resistance against pointy-stabby’ (I paraphrased)

Yep – we got trained early by our GMs to think Full Plate = Good (even for female characters). Trouble is, evil GMs also have a tendency to make Full Plate wearing characters have to cross rivers. Usually under threat of imminent attack. There’s rules in there that say that Full Plate takes 15 minutes or so to put on and rushing that causes all sorts of “I can’t move!!” penalties.

Unless you use magic …

I can’t find it right now (it’s in Defenders of the Faith) but you could add a property to that shiny Full Plate armour where your character said a command word and within 1 action, that Full Plate would fly on to the character Iron Man style. So your girlie cleric (it opened up lots of banter with the rest of the party and I had a lot of fun with it) could go :

Keela : “If I were you, I’d remove that hand from where you just put it”
Octopus Guy : “Why would I want to do that ?”
Keela : “Armour up”
Octopus Guy : “OWW!”
(from the hand trapped in naughty place)

I was always more about having fun with the role playing type aspect (while being a strong Power Gamer too) and the Armour of Calling just opened up more possibilities.

And – how have I managed to turn a simple picture post into yet another Wall of Text ? Lol 🙂

PS CK – if you can find one, check out the level 50 ish green Jade Breastplate. Looks better on trolls than it would on a Worgen though …

It’s been a good weekend for sport this one …

Yes – it’s still the football season but I for one don’t count league football as a sport. It’s a con game played by namby-pambys with no integrity or respect whatsoever. But that’s enough about so-called “professional” footballers. Their conduct gives the term “sportsman” a bad name.

What’s made this a good sporting weekend is :

England cricket on the telly
Start of the Six Nations rugby
Superbowl tonight

England have been playing Pakistan in the neutral venues of Dubai and Abu Dhabi. (They can’t play at home because the situation is too unstable). It’s been a torture exercise for the fans to be honest, as they’ve crumbled against the spin. But they’re our team, we love ’em and we’ll support them through thick and thin.

Especially if they celebrate like Monty Panesar. It’s just sheer, unconfined joy when he takes a wicket and he puts my old Aeroplane wing celebrations to shame.

I’ll confess though that I’ve fast forwarded through much of the cricket this weekend as this series has been a bit of an unspectacular grind amidst the clusters of wickets.

Six Nations started this weekend and is always one for the sports fans to look forward to. Rugby’s a hard, uncompromising sport played by true hard nut athletes. Like the cricketers, they’ll play on with broken bones (if they can) and a little bit of blood is taken as an honour badge (until the ref spots it and tells them to get it sorted). Compare that to footballers who feign injury to get opposition players in trouble.

I’ll not watch all the Six Nations games, it’ll follow the rules :

Watch all England games – get tortured by knowing they can play better.
Watch all Ireland games – because of the affinity from living there for most of my first 10 years.
Watch games where there’s a chance of a good game.
Ignore Scotland and Italy – because both sides are pretty poor (Italy are improving, Scotland are just poor)
Shout for the other team when France are playing – even if it’s the Welsh.

Is there anyone I haven’t upset yet with the above ? Lol 🙂 I don’t mean any of it outside of match banter.

Mixed feelings about England rugby this year. A new coach has swept a very wide broom through the team. He’s been brave, taken his own approach to things and some of it looked ok. There’s still some massive holes at key positions though where the players just aren’t international class (10 is a lynchpin and Hodgson has never been up to it at international level).

Yesterday’s England game lived to those expectations – England were lucky to win a game where they flattered to deceive people into believing they had any real ideas for how to get points. It was one of the least impressive (outside of improved discipline) displays by an England side for quite a while. And Scotland were worse …

Compare that to the Welsh who have just punched a half chance through the Irish defence to score a try.

Superbowl’s tonight – I don’t watch much American Football but I usually enjoy it when I do. American sport tends to be much more regimented in its play than European football and NFL is no exception. Short doses work well for NFL and Baseball, so you don’t get jaded from seeing season long the same thing over and over again. The Superbowl is usually worth watching though.

The trouble with the Superbowl is that it’s on really, really late. I will probably last as long as the half time show before going “zzzzzzz”.

Spotted this one a while ago on TBB’s blog and thought – I must do that.

It’s a Saturday 9 meme :

1. Do you live close to where you grew up ? Why ?

No. Not any more – I’ve followed the work. The first years I can properly remember had me in Northern Ireland, which is a beautiful country to live in. We had a house out in the sticks, which is still there albeit with a new access road, new barn and it looks like a landscape gardener has done stuff to the land around it. But the recognisable features are still there, including the wall where we used to shoot cans off it with an air rifle. My parents still live in Lincolnshire where I went to secondary school but I now live in Bristol where the work is.

2. Have you ever been so angry that you almost lost control ?

With other people – very rarely. I walk away before snapping with others.
With myself ? Hell yeah. One reason for the ongoing damage to my shoulder is that while I rein myself in with throwing normally, those reins aren’t in place when I’ve made an error. So if I’ve fumbled or dropped a catch, a 110% power throw will be coming in from the boundary. I’m in an instinct frame of mind at that point, won’t be able to stop it and will go OW in a big way when the throw is away. At other times, I’ll channel anger into tighter focus. Like Friday 27th when the self-anger got turned into tighter focus for getting things done.

I don’t think people realise that I put the tight control on to myself. It actually hinders my interactions with normal people, although a touch of natural empathy can have me picking up on how other people are feeling.

3. Are you a fan of a musical act that slightly embarasses you ?

Let’s see … Paul McCartney’s The Frog Song will always be a favourite. As well Manamana. I will always sing along to Abba. But I’ll go for Alisha’s Attic. Not for their music, which is consistently outstanding but for the nickname I grabbed while I was a fan of them above everyone else : Alisha’s Addict. People who know me at work will recognise why that might have triggered the embarassment flag over the past year or so 😉

4. Is there a movie that always makes you cry ?

Yes – it’s called Bolt. It’s an animated film about a super dog. The bit that really gets me is towards the end – the burning building sequence.

(Men do cry sometimes, we just hate to admit it – except footballers who have something wrong in the head)

Hey ! I’m a dog person and not afraid to admit it 🙂

5. Who is the most famous person that you’ve met ?

Bumble, aka David Lloyd. He’s one of the Sky cricket commentators and is certified bat-shit crazy. He’s a great guy, brings a lot of colour, fun and genuine enthusiasm for the game into the commentary box. We met him at Trent Bridge 2 years ago when we watched Yorkshire blow it yet again. We were walking around the ground to find seats before the game and coming the other way is Bumble. I got a handshake, although it was a fleeting meeting as I suspect he was late for duty and needing to rush off.

Great guy – made my day that did, the result didn’t matter after that 🙂

6. Before you leave your home, what must you have ?

Keys, wallet, mobile phone, shades (sensitive eyes). Brain (no kidding, sometimes it gets left behind). If for longer than a day : laptop.

7. What do you miss the most about being a kid ?

No cares. Sure, they probably worked us for longer hours at school with the homework but I wasn’t subject to chores etc. Also space, I had the space to practice the cricket in the back garden (there’s still a bare patch in the grass where I stood). I haven’t the space to do that here :

The back yard has a big step so I couldn’t bat in it
Not enough depth for the batting practice
And I’d be throwing a ball at the windows … (Throw ball, whack it when it returns on the bounce)

After school, I’d be nipping out the back with me kit to do 30-60 minutes batting practice with that occasionally broken up by having to fetch the ball from in front of the house if I’d hit it over the top.

8. Tell us about a passion of your’s that your readers would not expect.

Ok, that cuts out anything to do with chocolate, pizza or sweeties … My passion is elegance in all of its forms. That can be a device that just Works, it performs its function with the finesse of something that’s Just Right.

But that’s just the half of it. I watch people. The human body is a machine as well, albeit made of bone & muscle & skin instead of metal & wires & motors. It come in all shapes and forms. And some of them move with such a subtle flow that it’s like watching water flow down a stream. It’s partly economy of movement, part just enough extra movement.

It’s watching the difference between the gawky walk of a starved fashion victim and the “I know what I’m doing … and I KNOW you’re watching it” walk of someone who is utterly comfortable with who she is. Mind you, it’s not always the confident ones who have that elegance, one colleague was desperate to lose weight but still moved with the flow of a dancer.

Doh – getting distracted again. How smoothly I get around depends on how my body is behaving. I’ve trained myself to move with total economy of movement, partly because it protects my knees. But it also unlocked Extreme Speed for me.

Just remembered from a few years ago – there was a person working in the team next door who would walk past the desks normally. Until she reached the desks of Sleepypete and Diablo. At that point, a sway would be introduced into the walk. We think it was unconscious but it had the effect of both Sleepy & Diablo being utterly unable to do any work until she was out of sight.

9. At what age do you think you’d be to think, “I’ve had a great run” ?

I dunno. And I don’t think that time is for a long time to come. Still too much to do. I’ve learned stuff but not passed it on. I’ll not be satisfied until I’ve passed on a decent proportion of what I know. And while there’s still at least one person out there who needs help only I can give, there’s still a place for me.

PS We appear to have snow. Maybe there will be enough for another Snow Thing later …

Yep – this could be the motivation I need to get me staying in the cricket this year.

I'm anticipating these old bones will be protesting quite loudly …

I've been doing my own bits for a while now. It feels good so no matter what you do I hope it goes well 🙂