Living up to my assumed nickname at the moment …
Just really struggling to get the motivation to do stuff, any stuff. I guess I’m having one of those cycles where inwardly I can no longer ignore emotional, physical and mental pain. It’s a combination that tends to lead to a downward circle of depression. I don’t believe it’s a chemical or biological induced depression, more like mentally induced. Although my usual affinity for pattern recognition occasionally has me spotting things like a low energy state being associated with not having had fish for a while (fish is food for keeping thyroid happy)
Emotional – this stems from loneliness, pure and simple. It’s mitigated part of the way by a few very special people I know who really brighten the day with a smile, a wave or a “Hello, my love” (Innocent traditional Bristol sayings can be very good medicine for a lonely soul)
Physical – coldness in my bones isn’t good. I know that I’m not actually in too bad shape injury wise, however that’s not the message my body is giving me. Must work harder on ignoring the stiffness. It would be good though if I could stretch without complaint from a back and shoulder that gang up on me.
Mental – the feeling that you’re not achieving that much. It’s tied into the reason for the emotional tiredness but it’s another where there’s a few inner lies being told. I focus on the onrunning tasks I should have done ages ago, instead of the firefighting urgent fast reaction fastballs that were completed without breaking a sweat.
However, when anyone asks how I’m doing, I’ll usually not admit to feeling the pressure. Wonder if people can read the tiredness in the expression behind the “Yeah, I’m ok”. I think I’m lucky in that I have a good situation at work. My line management chain is strong, they’ll come out with the fastball tasks that need Deep Thought on a bomb disposal timescale but because of the nature of my work, the tasks are always interesting. At the same time, they’ll fend off the demands for work time that lead to you doing someone else’s job for them with no time left to do your own.
There’s also the other people in the project. I kinda go like a broken record here because I’m always praising them. But they’re worth it ! We’re known around site as a good project to be on. We get things done without forgetting that team spirit helps get you through. That shows in our hard core of Lifers, people who have been on the project far longer than the 2-3 year norm. You don’t get Lifers if the atmosphere is poisonous. Having a tangible output is also helpful there, it’s great to see what you work on in the news for the right reasons.
But – it’s done through hard work banging away at the troublesome areas. We often have quizzical expressions when people outside tell us what a wonderful job we’re doing, because we’ve been focusing on beating the problems so much that we’ve overlooked the successes.
Yep – work is a healthy place, even though it’s getting to be a struggle to get there in the mornings. It helps having wonderful people to bring a little Sunshine to these dim winter days, a Snow Queen to greet you with a cheery smile & wave (when not buried in keyboard) and the cheerful purity of our Angel. They’re also very tolerant with me when I bug them, which is probably happening a little too often at the moment for the chances of their getting stuff done. There’s also our Little Canteen Girls who always say hello when they spot me attempting to sneak (I like the attention but get a bit embarassed by it) my way through the canteen. I’m sure they also give me bigger than average sandwiches – so says my belt.
Last mention is for The Boss, who we saw back in the office for the first time since Miniboss arrived. The Boss is one of those lucky ladies who people will point at and say “She looks that good after having a kiddie ? That’s not right !” With me saying I’m struggling, The Boss is the complete opposite. Miniboss is a very lucky kiddie to have a mom with that much energy and empathy. I have to admit, I did scramble to hide my Alien Life Incubators (aka coffee mugs) before The Boss spotted them.
How’s home life ? Getting back into reading is helping because reading doesn’t involve much physical effort and can be done at the same time as indulging my current favourite addiction : listening to music. And reading avoids the tunnel tendency where gaming can have me not registering the music in the background. Not been gaming much lately, that lack of energy is killing my interest in logging in to them.
I’m definitely appreciating upgrading my hifi gear lately. And the music’s been appreciating it too. All music appreciates being played through quality gear. If you like music and can afford the cash for a proper separates hifi system, go for it. You won’t regret it and your ears will thank you.
Although if you’re like me when I was half watching Daybreakers last night, you will give yourself a heart attack at the things that go Bump in the night. The only regret – not enough hours in the day to enjoy all the stuff I’ve acquired lately …
Xmas soon, which means a good long break and a chance to recharge those mental, physical and emotional batteries. How many shopping days left until Xmas ?