Sleepypete's Pillow

Nicely rambled Pete. The past is best left behind I think, though inevitably it changes us. I think we've all been to a dark place in our lives and I can certainly relate to locking down. Everyone has a Pandora's Box I think but real friends would not judge you 🙂

One of the best and most interesting bloggers out there got me thinking yesterday …

(Yes – that was the grinding gears sound you may have heard)

Thumper’s wondering at the moment about what to do in the future for walking to help out breast cancer charities. The trigger is an American politician who has infected a charity over there with some daft ideas. There’s plenty more info on that (said far better than I ever could) over on Thumper’s blog (link on the side and Escaping Kitty link here).

Anyway. That got me thinking, along with remembering back to the more recent past :
A colleague who did something similar to what I’m thinking of last year
(or year before last – blurry time syndrome strikes again)
A colleague who is still Very Ill

The ill colleague is someone who definitely counts as Good People and it’s tragic that someone so nice and so young (21 + a little more than me) has been struck down with the cancer curse. So there’s a fairly close reason for thinking of getting involved.

What’s the project ?

We’ve had a few people do running for charity but that’s not really something I can do. I can sprint fast but not for that long a distance. I won’t be running any half marathons any time soon. Cricket suits me quite well because it’s bursts of being explosive interspersed between lounging around. Although I don’t do much lounging around in the field usually due to being hyperactive.

Middlesex County Cricket Club have had an association for a few years with the Breakthrough Breast Cancer charity, with one aspect being that Pink dominates their coloured one day game kit. I can’t go that far, because :

3 day games + cricket I play = red ball, needs white clothing
1 day games for counties = white ball, needs coloured clothing

So wearing pink stuff when playing with a red ball would not be appreciated by the opposition. I’d do it if there was charity money involved though 🙂

Instead, picture the Sleepy One in a Pink floppy hat, batting with a pink cover over the helmet and wrapping the fingers around something round and pink and rubbery while batting. However, I’d need the pink helmet cover (or pink helmet), pink hat and pink grip for the bat. Can I find them ? Not on the web …

I can’t bowl any more, so if it was a Performance charity thing I’d need to do it on Runs, Catches and Run-outs. I’m not even sure if I’ll play this year, that’s all dependent on the legs which went a little backwards today. I don’t think my skin appreciates the cold weather we have at the moment or the dessicated atmosphere in our office building.

I don’t know if I’ll actually pull this off this summer but the seed is there in my mind. Next time I wander around Bristol centre or the Mall, I’ll be on the lookout for Pink Stuff. In the meantime, I’ll keep on contributing to charity as I usually do. Spam through the letterbox gets ignored (there’s too much of it) but I’ll happily contribute for the personal touch.

PS Hoping for another charity cake donation thing in the office soon. Cakes made by our office people (the Snow Queen bewitches us with baking) are always ‘Blink n Miss it’ cos they are That Good.

Lol – I think I'm held accountable to my 20 year ago self by the injuries I picked up 🙂

But at least now, I ask "is this a good idea?" before doing the cricket thing …

I like that…I certainly don't want to be held accountable to the person I was 20-30 years ago. I'm pretty sure my level of idiocy has mellowed…

Saw something on FB today that I think I identify with :

I hope that’s true for me. Your past defines who you are through how you have assimilated your life experiences but it doesn’t mean you have to be locked in to it. I hope I’ve managed to assimilate the various major stuff that’s happened to me, while not going down the Dark Side and have it forever dominate my destiny. The most recent major test of that was being able to play in the same cricket team as the fella who took up with my last partner … and be civil.

I think being civil actually may have weirded him out. Lol 🙂

Stuff over the last few weeks/months has made me revisit the past though. There’s things there that none of the Bristol people know. Reason ? It would make them treat me different. Or would it ? I dunno.

Truth is, while I’m addicted to knowing Stuff, I recognise that the Secrets I know aren’t all my own. I’ll decide when I let my own secrets out, I don’t have that right with the secrets of others. Hence all the codenames and the dropping of the codenames when I need to rationalise my own thoughts.

It is difficult though when events around you remind you of the past which you have left behind. And because those events are mostly about relationships, it’s the relationships that dominate my mind at the moment. January seems to be a bad time for relationships, or is it the impending Valentines day …

My sister has a new bloke in her life, who came to visit this last weekend. He’s a good bloke, he can stay. But it made the family revisit quite a few things that we don’t really talk about any more. There is some deep personal tragedy with our family from 20 years ago. We don’t talk about it much but we very definitely Remember. And if/when the time comes that I get kids, there will be a special request to do with that Remembering. That’s a decent time away, although it does crop up in my thoughts.

Relationships are the other major thing in my thoughts – although it’s now about looking out for other people. I’m finding it strange that I’ve been getting used for advice and that I’m in a position to give that advice. You can see the pain in them, hidden behind the public face they want to put. There’s also a reluctance to confront or accept what’s happening.

I’m thinking there of a couple from the gamer world – I like to think I’m good friends of both. One of them managed to get me to sing on Mumble (not an insignificant feat) and the other has me swapping pooter stories. But … as part of them breaking up, both are quieter. More subdued. And others are more subdued around them. It gets even more complicated on Facebook where Ex A and Ex B are now ex friends with each other, they’re both more reluctant to talk to common friends. My reaction to both was along the lines “omg – say it ain’t so”, with that sent to both as I respect both equally.

I do it too – I’ll have second thoughts about commenting in certain places because I know unfriendly eyes might be looking. But at the same time, I remember back to my own break up and my reluctance to spill the beans on what precisely the terms of the breakup were. I think that to expose the totality of it would have been rather spiteful. We don’t have the right to say who another person should call Friend and I’d have been prejudicing those friendships.

I’m rambling again aren’t I …

I know a few people who are in pain at the moment. It’s the pain of cracked or broken dreams and the strain of having to lock that away from the world in order to remain functioning. I’ve had that kind of pain three times in my past :

First – I made up a fantasy that let me keep going. It took me a long, long time to accept the truth there.
Second – I ran. And in the running, I cost myself the chance of the First Hons degree I should have got.
Third – I locked down. Which was as damaging as the fantasy and the running.

One thing common there is Communication. It’s better to talk through a problem than to let it fester and bubble away in your head. For the three Dark times above, I didn’t know who I could talk to. The issue boiled until the stress of it almost broke me.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Your friends have your back. Lean on them.

Ok,

So I weakened … Or was it because the intention was to go to Sainsburys. However, traffic into and out of there was hell so I abandoned that for tonight. But … it got me close to :

Yep. First pizza for a few months :

Pizzahut Pizza > Dominos pizza
Dominos offers > Pizzahut offers

Although it’s tough finding out what the offers are for Dominos because their website is appalling and doesn’t list them … Mobile one does but the normal internet one doesn’t have a “Click Me For Offers” type button. Meh.

Ooo – the temptation …

🙂

So, I guess I should refrain from posting my Cake pops recipe this weekend then huh??

Been on my diet for a few months now.

Ok, it’s not a real “have a weird formula milkshake instead of sensible meals” diet and it doesn’t have any real theory to it except for applying a bit of moderation to what I consume. As in :

Only eat stuff when hungry
Munch in moderation
Avoid grazing
Not over indulging

Thinking of that : time to put tonight’s dinner on … Done ! Completely changing what I eat could quite quickly lead to problems anyway because I seem to be sensitive to things like cheese (and cucumber – makes me throw up)

It’s more discipline for continuing with munching what I used to but having less of it. Cookie packets are definitely lasting longer. Not had pizza for ages, although that’s partly due to Pizzahut stopping the offer that favours single people. Dominos might be getting another shot (requires a car trip, Pizzahut is in walking distance).

So yeah – cookie moderation instead of cookie monster.

How’s it been going ? People have been noticing me being a bit smaller …

The scales do not lie ! Or maybe they do because I doubt whether they’re in any way accurate any more.

I started at a little over 14 stone, which for my current build is probably 2 stone overweight. 12 stone is still heavy … but I’m allowing myself that because I have quite heavy legs that let me Run Very Fast. Or rather, they would if they didn’t have the ballast to tug around.

I’ve not lost tonnes of weight, that was never the intention. Losing weight too rapidly will cause you problems and it’s likely to go right back on again. The last time I had sick time off work (ages ago), I couldn’t eat for several days and probably lost a full stone over that time. The next week, that weight was right back on again. Starvation diets will do no long term good whatsoever. The plan has always been to enact a new discipline and lose the weight steadily.

So far the weight loss tally is 7-10 pounds. The variation there is because my weight will go up or down a couple of pounds within half a day. The minimum I’ve spotted so far is 13st2lbs this morning. Happy days.

What have I noticed with it so far ?

I have more energy … Dunno if this is the weight loss, the metabolism getting quicker or just Positive Mental Attitude … but I definitely have more energy. I’m having to watch myself due to hyperactivity. When I go hyper, I have to consciously check myself and what I do because I’ll miss stuff I should catch automatically. It’s not carelessness, it’s just moving on to the next thing before the check bit is done.

Brr. Cold. It’s turned colder over the past few days and I’m reaaaaallly feeling it. Must have less insulation, although you’d have thought the hyperactivity manicness would keep me warm.

I can dance … Not in the strut my stuff in a nightclub kind of way (I have 2 left feet) but the old agility and quickness of feet is returning. At my previous weight, I think I’d have run someone over a couple of times by now but managed to avoid the corridor collisions. And my legs were healthy enough on the walk to the car tonight to let me go Maximum Speed. That’s walking with a stride so long you’re in danger of splitting your trousers.

People are noticing … Did I say that already ?

Me being littler is being spotted. Ok, that’s the third time I’ve said that but I’m quite pleased that MiniMizingMe is noticeable.

I do need to figure out a balance though, as my salt/potassium balance is off. That tends to be quite crucial with me as if it’s off, I get cramps which tear up my muscles. But I think I’ll manage to figure it out before the summer’s cricket.

PS I promise not to take it too far and go anorexic. The first time someone says “You’re too thin ! Have a PIZZA”, I’ll come running.

I like Snow.

Although it’s a bad idea for my shoulder, I like throwing snowballs at people. I’m usually nimble enough too to have a chance to dodge out the way of Revenge Snowballs. I was the first person a few years ago to have a Snowman – I went out in late evening and built a miniature Snowthing on one of my wheelybins. And I really miss having a SnowSmiley picture on my phone to show random people who I think are in need of seeing a Big Grin.

SnowThing pic : is at this post
(he looks kinda pissed there)
SnowSmiley : is at this other post
(the SnowSmiley pic was from my last phone)

Had the first snow for a while this morning but it was very light and didn’t stick around. Think we need to offer prayers to the Snow Gods for more snow. At least for a couple of days because the snow novelty tends to wear thin about 5 seconds after you get stuck for the first time.

My last car had a habit of getting me halfway to work fine. And then the traction control and ABS would cry “NO MORE !” and disable themselves. Usually precisely halfway. Not sure what this one will do – it has less power, more weight, better weight distribution but double the torque. Could be interesting on ice. But it’ll be better than the Puma which only had very crude traction control.

Other stuff – I got to meet my sister’s bloke over the weekend. He can stay. We gathered together for my dad’s birthday (he’s 21 + a lot). And it was a pretty chilled out weekend too. And SuperWaitress at the Swanholme thought I’d lost a stone since I was last there too, which made me grin. (Actual tally is 0.5 stone)

More other stuff – my mind is a little muddled at the moment because I’m worried about a couple of people at work … And my reaction to it. I’m recognising a huge case of deja vu in what’s going on there. Both situations. Although the deja vu is more applicable to one than the other :

Depression is nasty – and I can recognise the hopelessness that inspires it from a few incidents in my past. I’m lucky though that my depression cycles have been due to events rather than chemical/biological issues.
Breakups are as bad – except that other people are involved. Depression tends to be a solitary problem, which makes it harder for other people to realise how big the problem is.

I can still remember the long drawn out heartache from when my last major relationship broke up. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. In my case, it was my partner walking out and demanding her cut of the equity we’d gained in the house. I believe she thought that I would have to sell up, however I was confident (with the knowledge I’d been paying about 3/4 of the mortgage anyway and the major bills) that I’d be able to ride it through. It still cost me a 5 figure sum to buy her out though, which worked out to extra money on the mortgage, a reset of the 25 year clock and some lean times for the next few years.

(That’s the first time I’ve exposed that truth outside very few people, like count ’em on one hand)

What made it worse is that Evil Ex* continued on with a theme of upsetting people, to the point where she rapidly alienated herself from my little circle of valued friends. *I only use the name “Evil Ex” because of the alliteration factor 🙂 Alienation factor gone, alliteration amusement factor – high 🙂 I’d like to think I’m over it to the point of being able to give a hug if we meet again socially … but it does take two people to make a hug.

The house equity was only half of it though. For at least six months after, I caused myself untold self inflicted emotional damage by rebounding left and right on people where I was quite frankly, kidding myself. Rejection can do nasty things to a mind already grieving for a relationship. I’m curious as to how other people saw me over those 6-12 months. I know I was a mess inside.

Yep – it hit me hard and still affects me, although not nearly as much as when the wounds were open and bleeding. But because I’ve been through it, I can recognise the hell that might be about to erupt for a certain person.

I hope it doesn’t work out that way – I always have my fingers crossed for Good Things, even if I’m just watching from the outside.

Oh dear – I’ve Wall Of Texted again. Last word – if you think someone around you has lost Hope, give ’em a helping hand. A little “I believe in you” can go a long way with a person who has lost sight of something to hope for. And if there’s one thing I do so much it could be counted as a fault (definitely causes my Real Boss exasperation!), it’s help people out where I can. (Although communication skills and confidence gets in the way of people asking)