Sleepypete's Pillow

I have to admit, today wasn’t one of my best days.

I do flip between a Happy State and a Sad State. Often, it’s beyond my control when I flip into the Sad State, so I ride the wave of the Happy State as much as possible. A big trigger of Sad Pete is when I think I’m being ignored or otherwise being deprived of the human contact that I crave.

(That was only part of the story today – a big part was the self discipline slipping and me doing some more damage – oops !)

That combined with definitely lacking on the energy today made things somewhat miserable. Being in the Sad State has other effects too. I’m sure other people who suffer from depression will recognise the feeling that the world just doesn’t care about you. Having a lack of feedback when you try to talk to or send messages to people reinforces that feeling of being unloved.

You’ve seen me mention Okcupid here a few times haven’t you ? I have no issues whatsoever with the site. It’s fast to navigate on both mobile and desktop versions. It presents matches clearly. It has a well realised editor. It’s a great site and the Match % couples fairly well with what I read in people’s profiles.

But … And this is the big but. A site like that depends on the people on it for successfully fulfilling its purpose of making singles into partners.

What’s the result so far ? I’ve been messaging occasional people on there as their words and pictures catch my eye. I usually put a compliment in there and / or questions based on what I’ve read in their profile.

So – how many answers, how many ignore ?

I’ll go back to 1st August when I was feeling a lot better and thinking recovery was just around the corner. I’ve sent initiating messages to 16 lovely ladies. Of them, I’ve had :

2 sorry not interested or talking to someone else. I’m ok with that. They showed a little interest and had the courtesy to reply. I wish those two ladies well.

That’s what I’m all about. If a lady goes off with another bloke, I’m fine with that. What’s important is that they’re happy. If that happens to be with someone else instead of me, that’s ok. It doesn’t do much for my need for Hug but their happiness is what counts.

Back to numbers – 2 had short conversations, of which 1 was fairly promising. Until I translated my description of “shredded”. Not heard from her again, despite : My condition will fix in time. Her condition will not (she has a degenerative skeletal disease).

1 lengthy conversation with a lovely interpreter lady. That conversation had me grinning madly, especially when she diagnosed me as having the Crazy. I like the Crazy (happy crazy, not lock me up crazy) because it means unpredictable spontaneity and hopefully fun. I hope I hear from her more. She was interesting and I don’t use that word with many people.

That leaves 11 ladies who did not bother replying – at all. Even to the questions I asked them based on what’s in their profiles. I’d call that rude but it goes beyond that into being obnoxious.

I see that lack of response way too much actually. There’s another lady I talk about here a little too much perhaps who hasn’t given me anything by way of response. I know she checks the posts because Google privately gives me the fingerprint trace that shows the link they click to get here. But I get no response back. That shows either :

Lack of interest – just let me know that. There’s a 12 year age difference which I think unnerves her.
Shy inhibitions – there’s only one way to fight that, go outside the comfort zone.

Yeah – I’m a bit upset at the world at the moment, feeling unloved.

But … this is my message to all the people reading this who are touched by depression. Remember the positives. For me, it’s keeping a few faces in my mind :

The lady down south who is new to the organisation. I’ve been helping her figure out how everything fits together and she’s been helping me from her own specialisation too.

(People say I’m an outrageous flirt. That’s true. I don’t deny it. But … If the flirting and being nice to people means they answer my questions quicker, I’ll keep doing it. Besides, it costs nothing to be nice and makes everyone feel better.)

I caught the Snow Queen around lunchtime on Tuesday. And had the benefit of that little smile she carries around. Our Snow Queen is amazing, even at my most confusing, she can follow what I’m thinking. That’s tough and shows how smart and understanding she is.

All those hugs from CrazieQueen. She suffers more than I do and those hugs help us both out.

Having an email out of the blue from the Naughty (but so Nice) Angel. And then completely coincidentally spotting her waiting for a lunchtime meet up. It was great to talk again.

Having all those people at work who answer my smile with their own and often a Hello. That definitely helps being my smile back.

But lastly, Miss Barbara. Her name’s not Barbara but she is almost the image of a childhood sweetheart of that name (and I’m struggling for codename inspiration). She’ll walk past my desk and try not to be distracted by the grinning idiot looking up at her. But if she catches the grin, her face will first twitch and then erupt into an ear to ear smile.

And it’s those smiles that make life worth living. And it’s smiles like that which help point the way to finding my Happy Pete mojo again.

Yep

Improving. But slowly. There’s still a fair bit of damage on me but instead of staying nasty, it shows healing fairly quickly. Of course, I’m still being my own worst enemy with it because I can re-damage the healed bits very easily, with that tending to happen before my self-discipline wakes up.

Still struggling though. I have my hyperactivity being balanced by a lack of sleep again. I like to finish on high notes, so let’s get the bed out of the way first. You know, like when I do that cataloguing of the problems so I can deal with them better.

Energy levels. This is the hyperactivity being balanced by the lack of sleep. I usually have enough to see me through the day at work and then go Zombie when I’m home. I can carry the energy levels when I need them but I pay for it later.

Outside struggles. The skin’s genuinely getting better. But I still have to be incredibly careful with it and there’s no way I’m wearing shorts yet. I’d be shot by Zombie Hunters.

Inside struggles. The lowlights are a nasty neck which is really cramping the Meerkat style. You know, the one where the person sitting at the desk pops up their head to see who is walking by. It’s costing me smiles ! I need to go on an exercise regime too, to reactivate legs that have lost the power I’m accustomed to having.

Ok, ok – that’s enough for struggles. Positives ?

I’m getting huge amounts of Smiles. I wrote something somewhere which said “Dwagonman, Powered By Smiles”. I love giving and receiving smiles. Even She Who Curdles The Milk has caught the grin and even said hello the other day. I nearly fell off me chair. (She’s not that bad)

Even people I don’t know get caught by the Grin. Including Pretty Lady Waitress tonight. Energy levels were really low and were helped out by another pasta dinner (I’m getting addicted to F+B’s Chicken Romana) and those Pretty Lady Waitress smiles. She was on her third straight shift and still managing to maintain that smile plus energy levels that let her zoom around.

Losing the weight.

I love this. I hit 14st, which is what I call my upper limit. It’s not an obese weight for me because I carry that on a relatively broad frame with a lot of the weight taken up in power legs. I’m now 12st4(ish) and appreciating losing that weight. With improvements in my outside condition, I have most of my old agility back. All thanks to losing that weight.

How did the weight fall off ? I haven’t been exercising, although I need to start again when my outsides are clear. It’s from a change in diet, to a more carb rich pasta type diet. There’s a 3 for deal in A Supermarket which led to about half my meals being these pasta ready meals (must learn to cook them myself). That’s set calories plus healthier components.

I still sadly have a double chin. Don’t think I’ll get rid of that any time soon. Oh and when I get banned from the car park (for living too close to work), the walking to and from the bus will soon sort out those legs. I won’t be playing cricket next summer though, I’m too broken and the fun had gone out of it.

Talking of fun …

A good belly laugh always helps heal the soul. And the less said about The Equaliser (watched last night with Crazies) there, the better – well made but very nasty film. I’m looking forward to a few films coming soon. The birthday movie will be Interstellar, I’m a sucker for a good scifi movie. Other forthcoming films I’m looking forward to include :

Turtles ! Must see, even though it is a Michael Bay
Annabelle – and if a certain little lady needs someone to hug in the scary bits, I’d be overjoyed to oblige. This one made me jump in the trailer. That never happens !
Fury – is a WW2 film about a tank crew
Hunger Games : Mockingjay – should be good if it’s up to the standard of the first 2.
Imitation Game – another which a certain little lady might like (it has the Benedict) but I’ll watch it for the WW2 codebreaking story
And Hobbit 3

I hope that pretty little lady does read this, there’s a few things that get said that just make me want to offer the hug and a someone to talk to who is away from her normal world. You know, a safety valve where you can let your guard down and … relax and regenerate. We both seem to be locked into a form of mutual loneliness. Mine is due to that skin condition, it’s been an enforced thing because I haven’t wanted to inflict it on anyone. But I’m hoping to be clear “soon.” by the end of this year at least which will be about darn time.

I mentioned a good belly laugh didn’t I ?

While I don’t really have the energy to put into playing the games in the evening, that doesn’t stop me watching the gameplay videos from people like Yogscast. There’s two I’d particularly like to mention. And you’ve seen me mention them before – it’s Hannah and the ever adorable Kim.

Hannah is the wild child of the group. Her commentary is nuts. And huge fun. It’s totally unfiltered and shows how much she enjoys the game. Or how much she’s affected by it. There’s a scene in Mass Effect 3 where Mordin Solus, Salarian Scientist goes off to a heroic end. You know he ain’t getting out alive. And it nearly brings the tears out (in me too!) because you know it has to be done. Well, you can hear the tears in Hannah’s voice as you see it play out. And you hear the evil chuckles as she’s being sneaky in something like Assassins Creed (must play that soon).

Kim is the maverick. Unpredictable with a dirty laugh that’s always bubbling away, waiting to erupt. And this as a little person with a massive personality. 100% adorable, 100% of the time.

And it’s that mucky laugh and the antics in the videos that tends to send me off to bed with a big smile.

Laughter is truly the best medicine. And I’ll finish off on this note : Keep smiling. Keep that positive vibe going. Grin, laugh, concentrate on the good. A good laugh will shake off all manner of tired thoughts.

Guess who’s about to chuckle along to my 2 favourite youtube people ?

I see lots of funny pictures coming my way over the net.

It’s been a while since I posted any ! So here goes. First up. I’m a dragon fan. I like dragons. They have power. Or they are hypercute. My current twitter avatar is :

My twitter avatar is the one that tends to change at will these days, although I’ve been diving back into the Facebook archives to get pictures for it.

Dragons aren’t real though (Honest!). Unless :

Yes. I have a dragon in the kitchen. He is guarding the front door from atop the fridge-freezer.

Guess who wants a new camera 😉

We were talking movies the other day weren’t we ?

Must watch 2001 again. Must acquire 2010. 2001 was a masterpiece of cinematography with special effects that were miles ahead of their time. But … it was boring ! 2010 had more excitement, although a lot was sliced out of the book. Talking of books :

I have a very good friend called Cyberkitten who absolutely devours books. Reads them too occasionally

Oh – did I mention cameras earlier ?

Definitely. Although :

There seems to be a gap in movies at the moment. Perhaps they’re all struggling to measure up to :

Love that film. And its music. But especially Groot. I suspect Groot models will be a favourite gift this Xmas.

I get identified as a pooter geek fairly often and it happened again today. But. Please :

Last one :

I think I’ve scared some of the Okcupid people away by being too honest. But – I believe that honesty is the best policy. I am suffering from a long term health condition, although it relented enough today to let me leg it around the Mall. I’m a little bit broken but no way near being an invalid. I won’t pretend to be a paragon of health, cos I’m not and never was. But …

I’ll continue to face the world with a massive grin, I’ll continue to fight the problems. Some people don’t seem to like that ! I see it more as owning the problem instead of being owned by it. However, sometimes it does feel a bit like :

Cya ! I think that’s enough piccys for today. Maybe …

Minions are awesome.

I say a lot about the music I love to listen to here. But I’m also a dedicated follower of … (not fashion, definitely not fashion) movies.

So what are my favourites ? I’ll keep it down cos you know what I’m like with that Wall Of Text tendency. But before I start, the catalyst for this one is that darling little lady Kim who has put a couple of “… is the most perfect movie ever. THERE IS NO DISCUSSION!” on her twitter. And I’d agree with the picks too. Cos I like them too.

I’ll put them first. But before, check out her channel to get an idea of why I’m so fascinated. There’s a definite sense of FUN, FUN, FUN, mischief that comes over during the gameplay that’s matched with an enchanting mix of crazy and professional. She can do both when she wants/needs to. I’d recommend the Vlog playlist and most definitely the Last Of Us playthrough which won my heart.

To the movies !

First up and last night’s perfect movie – Terminator 2. I’d go further and name the whole series. It’s rare that a series maintains its quality over even 2 films, let alone 4. Hopefully there will be more. They got the best they could out of the technology available at the time and matched that to decent stories too. I think when I clear the unwatched blurays, I’ll queue up the Terminator movies again.

Anyway – Terminator. Well realised stories, great acting, fantastic effects. Some of the best scifi ever made ?

Tonight’s perfect movie – The Fifth Element. This takes the viewer on a helter skelter trip through Luc Besson’s vision of the future, 400 years away. It’s a colourful riot that draws you in, keeps you guessing and most definitely has you entertained. And it has that opera singer dance …. The music lover in me definitely approves.

For my third, I’ll pick Moon. Scifi again. This tells the story of an astronaut on the moon who is there to keep the Helium mining operation going. But then accidents happen … I especially like his caregiver monitor robot which expresses pseudofeeling through smileys.

Number 4 has to be Episode 4. I was hesitant about putting a Star Wars or a Star Trek in but you can’t deny this movie its place here. Scifi again, set in a unique and fresh world. It changed scifi forever and for the better too. I wanted to be an XWing pilot, although I missed that game and went fighting rebels in Tie Fighters instead.

Number 5 is alive ! (Nah – I’m not picking Short Circuit, lots of 80s movies like that had charm but were … real bad). Time for a disaster movie. I dunno why but I keep going back to The Day After Tomorrow. It has nothing really that makes it better than movies like 2012 but … I kinda like it. It ends with a feely good type message. It has a disaster set up that I think may actually be plausible. And we even saw a little bit of it with last year’s polar vortex … Scary huh ?

Back to animation – Pixar have come out with some amazing movies but I’ll actually go to Bolt. It’s a movie about a SuperDog who isn’t. He just thinks he is but is just having the effects added in around him. But the important thing is that he believes. Until he gets lost that is … This is a truly magic movie and the burning building scene is another that gets the emotions going.

More animation – and I can’t believe I’ve not watched this one since originally seeing it. Spirited Away will be a legendary movie for a long time. It’s about a little girl who gets lost in an alternate, magical world. Her parents have been turned into pigpeople and she needs to figure out how to get them back. Cue a trip through this alternate world as the little girl struggles to first come to terms with the alternate reality and then fights to come out on top with mom and dad. Amazing movie.

8 are the two Sherlock movies with Robert Downey Junior. They’re pure anarchy. And pretty brilliantly acted too. I’ll keep going back to these for sure.

And talking Robert Downey Jr, I can’t leave out Iron Man. Not so sure about the follow up movies (although Avengers was incredible) but the first was an excellent origins series. And that music showed off the sheer joy of his ability to create from technology.

Number 10 ? I’ll pick another unusual one. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon wasn’t the best (I think House of Flying Daggers) foreign language eastern themed film to come out but it was the first and allowed the rest of these fantastic movies to come through. This had ninjas having incredible fights while jumping, flying over buildings. It had several love stories running throughout. It had epic struggle. Outstanding stuff.

I’ll end with a Number 11. And this is for the last Doctor Who. There’s few times when I get emotionally choked up when watching stuff (Bolt is one) but Matt Smith drew that out of me a few times in his times as Doctor. So while they weren’t cinema films, more TV movie, I’ll add in his last two appearances The Day Of The Doctor and The Time Of The Doctor. Cos they hit me in the heart.

I’ll leave it there but if you have some I’ve missed (so many movies, so few evenings !), please drop a comment.

And check out the wonderful Kim too.

Thank you both !

I have to admit with the picture, I'd just spent an hour and a half under a helmet keeping wicket. So I was gasping for a drink and a lie down !

Nice story!
~

A truly dear story. Great smiley face under your pink hat!

Sometimes I leave lots of days between posts. Sometimes that’s cos I want to give certain people a chance to read the post. Sometimes it’s because I like the top post so much.

I wouldn’t say I enjoyed writing the last post. Enjoy is the wrong word for something that gets close to bringing out the waterworks. But – when a post feels very, very right ? Yeah. I like to leave those as top posts.

But … I like my music posts too and we’re overdue the rest of the L post. (I’m almost into N albums). Where were we ? Ah ha ! Last album was the Lily Was Here soundtrack.

Did I include Norah Jones’ Little Broken Hearts in the L part 1 post ? This one is her latest. Norah’s moving to a more poppy style, which is not a bad thing. She’s still cranking out some cracking tunes. Happy Pills is no exception.

One of my earliest album buys and one of the best was Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos. This one has a wide array of varied and incredible songs. My favourite from this album is Happy Phantom although the wonderful Silent All These Years comes close. My voice is nowhere near the quality of this amazing angel of vocals but you can bet I’m belting out the words along with Madame Tori.

Mansun come in with their Little Kix album. Not bad. Bit samey.

If Tori Amos was one of my first albums, All About Eve were the first. And they’ve been a prized part of the collection ever since. They come into L with the Live & Electric album. AAE have had their back catalogue well and truly raided over the years as the label seemed to want to get every last penny out of spanking this horse. Live & Electric is good but there’s not much here that isn’t on the albums. That said, I’ll always stop and listen to tracks like Martha’s Harbour.

My sister has sent me a few highlight tracks from the Radio 1 Live Lounge albums. These have tracks being performed live by assorted artists. These have led to me buying everything that certain artists have come out with. But which artists and which songs ?

Ting Tings – Standing in the way of control
The Hoosiers – Lovestoned (ok, these guys have gone off but this cover is sublime)
Paramore – Love’s Not A Competition
Goldfrapp – It’s Not Over Yet (this song is so good !)
Bat For Lashes – Sweet Dreams

You got it – listing all those was pure excuse for listening to them again !

Next ! I heard about Rodrigo Y Gabriela through their tracks on the Puss In Boots soundtrack (will mention those at P!). Their self titled album is well worth a listen for chilled out rhythm guitar based sounds.

What did Mark Knopfler do after Dire Straits ? Movie soundtracks ! Well, this one actually came early. It’s the magic Local Hero soundtrack and this is the closing theme. It’s a movie about a city boy come to check out a remote Scottish town for oil. And he falls in love with the place and its people. Must watch it again.

EXCITED ! Next up, possibly the best album in my collection. Oh wait, that might be Super Extra Gravity.

It’s the Cardigans … with Long Gone Before Daylight. This album is magic. It’s full of wonderful anthemic songs that you can sing along to quite happily. (Well – maybe if some of them weren’t about domestic abuse!). I think I’ve linked everything here at some point, maybe not Feathers And Down …

Soundtracks – you know they were coming. I have two Lord of the Rings soundtracks, Fellowship and Return of the King. They’re both excellent soundtracks that fit and set the mood of the films perfectly.

Clannad are in here again with Lore. I dunno, it’s a good close eyes + relax album but I’m not sure about highlights from it.

On the other hand, I found Lene Marlin through the Sitting Down Here single and have continued to pick up her albums. She has a delightful Norwegian tinged voice that couples with excellent songs like How Would It Be from the Lost In A Moment album.

Aimee Mann is another with an excellent voice, her Lost In Space album has highlights like Invisible Ink.

Another live album, this time from Neil Diamond with Love At The Greek. Honestly ? Leave this one on the shelf and pick up Hot August Night instead. It has a better collection of songs and is performed better.

Last but definitely not least is Love Over Gold by Dire Straits. This is only 5 tracks but they’re all pretty decent, showing off the skills of each member of the band pretty well when they go into instrumental mode.

That’s it for L ! I’m off to listen to Cardigans songs 🙂

Thank you Michèle !

Bob – you wouldn't believe how long it took me to find something suitably pink. Even though there are events like the Pink Tests in Australia, no one seemed to want to sell me pink gear. Weird !!!

And the breast cancer supporters always wear pink – not just a cricket.