Sleepypete's Pillow

2 sides – definitely. The more interesting people are the more complex ones. The ones who will surprise you.

Lol – just spotted that error as well. Oops.

Pete said: Is it healthy to be talking about 2 sides of a personality like that ?

You only have 2 or just 2 worth mentioning? I have at least 12 that I know of…. [grin]

Oh, and the Inner Geek thing – first thing I noticed was the mistake which kinda distracted from the message…. [lol]

Shouldn't it be TOO much and not TO much?

Haha – I have stuff I can write about … and no clue on what title to put on it.

Ok. That’s actually not quite right. I’ve usually got about 5 different threads rattling around the marbles and I either can’t remember them when it comes time to tappy-scribble or they’re things that have no business hitting da interwebs.

There’s a few posts that I started that never got posted here. You’ll understand why, here’s a few from the Drafts folder :

Build your own … Starship ? This was a treatise on a real size NCC1701 Enterprise that someone was thinking of building in the near future. So I dismantled what they were looking to build and it ended up as a boring Wall Of Text Monster.

And there’s a few more too. I think I was writing something on orbital mechanics (I blame the Kerbals !) which is another post that got a mercy killing. Other’s get whack-a-moled because I really don’t like the way they’re going.

Hmm. What way is this one going … Nobody knows … Not even me !

Here we go :

It’s been a good day for smiles today. I’ve had a few smiles directed my way but two stand out most of all :

The HUGE smile from the Little Person. A teacake can be a great way to start the day but if the teacake run is timed (no planning or intel – honest!) to coincide with this particular Little Lady coming back ? I have no words to describe the awesomeness of that.

And there’s another not-as-little (still little) lady in our team who has the most wonderful smile too, when you can get her to show it. It’s always there, just under the surface waiting to break out but I don’t believe she thinks it’s right to look at people at their desks on her way past.

Even if they’re doing the Meerkat Silly Grin thing looking up at them hoping for that smile to erupt.

The infectious silly grin is another sign that Mad Pete is still doing his thing. I flip between a manic side and a depressive side. Mad Pete is the manic side and I think it’s fun to be in that state. It’s definitely a better state to be in than the depressive side. Trouble is, the rash and brash side of it can be difficult for others to cope with.

Is it healthy to be talking about 2 sides of a personality like that ? I think it is. We are who we are, we should own that. Everybody has flaws. The best thing is to acknowledge the flaws, the worst thing is to pretend that they’re not there. If they’re acknowledged, that’s the first step to figuring out how to manage them.

For me, just a few of them are :
The Mad Pete tendency – enjoying the ride while hoping I don’t upset people
Missing out the working – I tend to rush-think straight through to the conclusion, which leaves everyone else hopelessly clueless as to the logic that led to it. I’m steadily learning to deal with that.

Depressive – this is ok, I just tend to hide. But … it can get me thinking the world is out to get me.
(Not healthy, in my experience, the world tends not to care enough to expend effort in “getting you”)
Indestructible – people never seem to see when I’m hurting, need a friend or otherwise struggling
Smiler – I like it when the grin gets another victim, cheers us both up. But I think it freaks a few people out.

I’ll close with another one grabbed from the legendary Thumper’s archives :

I’ve forgotten when I last had pizza. Which means it’s time. Yeah, the cheese will upset my tummy but. It’s pizza. It’s worth it.

Ok ! One more. Cos I think she needs it :

Been in the wars lately …

Which is weird, cos I’ve been fairly lazy lately. What’s the issue this time ? Shoulder isn’t actually too bad, although I suspect it’s just biding its time. Nah – it’s another old injury, plus something I suspect caused by last year’s leg injury.

No 1 – Back

Unless you’ve actually had back problems, you won’t realise that it feels like you’ve had your strings cut … In my case, I originally injured the lower lumber area (the bit above your bum) of my spine while playing cricket twenty years ago. Let’s just say it was doing too much too soon, attempting to bowl stronger than my frame and muscles could support.

The knock on effect of the inflammation when it gets poorly is that the nerves controlling the legs get a bit cramped up. That leads to cold feeling legs and the control messages don’t get through as well as before. When I originally strained my back, I kept on playing cricket (although my bowling wasn’t as effective) but while I could still sprint with my right leg, the “sprint” message to the left leg was turning into “jog”. Ho hum.

It’s another injury that never completely heals, although when it’s not acting up I still have most of my mobility.

What happened this time ? I haven’t a clue how I did it, as it flared up during a meeting last Wednesday … Thursday was really bad, so bad I upgraded the usual Friday pm off into a 3 day weekend. Cue a few days of barely being able to move without going OUCH in a big way. It finally started releasing on Saturday night and has improved through 2 days at work to the point where I nearly have all my mobility and concentration back.

What’s concentration got to do with it ? It’s tough to concentrate when you have constant pain, even at low levels. It’s not jut the distraction of the actual pain, it’s also loss of quality sleep. Again, that’s not something that people who don’t have to live with pain will understand. Thankfully the low level pain I manage doesn’t need painkillers.

My back’s improving now, I have most of my mobility back. That can be a bad thing because I use full mobility as soon as I have it, leaving me prone to aggravating the injury again 🙂 No sense, no feeling ?

Could be hopeful for a peek at cars again, which I’ve been putting off due to : Waiting out garages that are asking silly prices and wanting to test drive without going OW from my back.

Issue 2 – Legs …

I suspect I have a Venous Leg Ulcer … (Look it up, I’m not going to describe symptoms cos they can be icky). It’s not big, about 2cm by 2cm and only slightly icky. It fits the various symptoms, as in it’s a wound that wasn’t healing. Looking up the causes, it seems like something unwell or old people get and I don’t think I count as that just yet. However … the prime cause is damage to the veins. That can be caused by a few things :

Getting old
Trauma
Deep Vein Thrombosis
Sick stuff (tumours, infections, high blood pressure)

The symptoms fit but not the cause – except when you think back to a year ago and consider what I suspect was a minor fracture on my shin … (Not enough of a break to stop the leg supporting my weight but still awkward). That whack probably damaged the blood vessels on its way to becoming an 8 inch long bruise.

Right – that’s probable cause 🙂 And I suspect the ulcer itself was initiated by a forgotten cricket thing from the 2 games early this summer.

And after some attention to it over the weekend just gone, I suspect it’s now turned a corner and seems to be improving (no icky today). The recommended treatment involves a compression bandage but I think I’ll wait a while longer before I resort to seeing the quacks. With that and the back though, no cricket for me for a while.

Lesson though for the wannabe docs out there –

Wiki and Google are great tools for finding out information. However, always, ALWAYS take a balanced view over what you’re reading. It’s easy to match a series of symptoms to a prognosis you’ve guessed at but make sure you’re not turning Symptom 1 + Symptom 2 into an OMG I’M GONNA DIE Cause.

The problem with looking up stuff on Wiki and Google is that there isn’t a knowledgeable doctor or nurse who’s seen it before moderating what you’re looking up. Especially as we tend to look for stuff that supports a prognosis instead of looking to disprove a theory. It takes a degree qualification plus a few years on top, plus more years of practical training to turn a smart person into a medic. Amateur investigations just don’t compare.

Heh heh heh – that’s me done preaching for the day 🙂

It’s been a painful week but I appear to be turning the corner on it. Just a shame it happened last week instead of this one, as there’s a Test Match starting this Thursday.

… For a while at least.

We’re about to see the close of another Winter Games but before I talk about that, I’ve been quiet for a few days. A conversation happened on Friday which I’m still very depressed and upset about. Not because of the conversation (which was dominated by someone inflicting his point of view on those who really didn’t want to know) but because of the lack of respect shown by people.

What I look for above everything else is respect. And it’s not just the conversation on Friday, it’s other conversations and interactions where the feeling of not having any value builds up. When that gets to a certain point, matters suddenly get far more difficult to live with. You start questioning where you’d have laughed it off.

And that’s what I’ve been doing since that conversation on Friday – questioning.

I’ve had to be very self contained over my whole life. I’ve always felt that the support I give to others vastly outweighs the support I get in return. I think that containment stops people seeing how I’m really doing. It’s definitely in effect at work, where I’ve successfully hidden the effects of my skin condition for several years now. (Incidentally – the support I get from my boss is along the lines of “if it doesn’t get better soon, go home” – no. That would be counter productive).

So yeah – I’m feeling neglected and the Friday thing was one of the last nails to be knocked in there. But :

The Friday thing could still be laughed/hugged off very easily;
(Although I still think the other person is an idiot, have done from what I’ve observed for many years. It just got upgraded to “blinkered” idiot based on what he said, although as an ambassador for Idiot Bikers, he’s an articulate one).
All attempts to reach out to people getting rebuffed;
The occasional “Hey, I wrote something about you that I hope will make you laugh” getting utterly ignored (that’s rude – it gives the impression that the other person puts no value in what you say).
Not knowing who to trust (there’s a very small number of people I trust with what’s inside the containment and a few of those always start finding things to do when I need to talk)

You can probably tell I’m very upset by the exchanges on Friday and narked by the other rebuffals over the years. Things like not hearing anything from the Naughty Angel and being ignored by another person when we were hoping she was ok after a Xmas party. We didn’t see her again until she came back after Xmas and you can imagine how worried we were considering this was just after the Jo Yeates murder, which was local and that our missing person shared the same physical profile. I watch too many detective shows not to get worried about circumstances like that.

This post has been a long time germinating in my mind too. I’ve not known what shape it would come out in. There’s actually more here than I thought there would be (I’ll talk about the Olympics another time).

I’ve not really known how to frame this post either, because I know it’ll upset someone (and probably draw tears, which I apologise unreservedly for).

Text is a very nasty medium to use. It is extremely easy to misconstrue what you read. You read into it what you want to see, instead of what’s actually meant. It can be very difficult to get exactly what you mean into the words. And above all :

You do not see the respect two people have for each other in the words that go on the page.

Yep. A friendship has been damaged. But – friendships can be very easily repaired as well. If that respect is there. And the respect to recognise that whoever people choose as friends is their own choice, similarly the respect to recognise that someone may not want a friend’s friend as their friend. I don’t feel that respect is there at the moment (to be honest, it’s been too long since I’ve had a chance to grin at them).

But – I know who I am. I get angry and upset at people just like anyone else. Some people I’ve completely given up on and it really confuses me why people go to them for advice when I know they’ll get stabbed in the back (like the fella who used to be in our team who was a real snake – and he’s not the one you immediately thought of). With others it takes more time.

There’s too much anger in this world already. Too many people fly off the handle at the slightest excuse. (Especially on the roads, which was the genesis for this particular bit of aggro). We need to do something about that. Forgive, forget, put the aggro behind you. Come out smiling, it’s a far better way to face the world.

There’s a lot of people at work who can’t go past my desk without spotting the grin and helplessly joining in. I like that, it gives me a lift too.

I know I’ll be ready with a smile or a hug.

PS Comments disabled here and I’ll delete the FB repost if it doesn’t let me disable comments there. It’s far too easy to fire off a response that you’d regret five seconds later after it’s gone and far too difficult to take it back.

Haha – another one raided from the Facebook 🙂

LOVE the cartoon!

I have to admit,

After some promising signs … and a touch of the Mad Pete returning … struggling again. I’ve gone backwards over the last few days. Things have got sore again.

Note – this is one of those posts where I acknowledge my struggles again. But not for long. Cos they’re not nearly as bad as perhaps this time last year, I’m still in better shape than 1 month before last year’s cricket season (where I’d written off the season) so I’m still hopeful of continuing recovery.

But – it is frustrating. Because every time I take a step forward and get some recovery happening, something happens to put a bit of that recovery back.

I’m still good. But some days it’s tougher to stay positive than others. It’s just so ridiculously easy to cause further damage (a negative for the attitude) without too many successes coming in (positives for the attitude).

Sometimes it would seem easier to get myself on the sick leave and stay home and hide. I needed to do that a few times last year (I didn’t use sick leave except for doctor visits, I worked remotely from home). But to be honest … I’m better off at work. There’s a few reasons for that :

It gets my mind in a Fight It attitude. Positive mental attitude is vital to getting you through problems. Sometimes that’s easier said than done. Like me with the realisation that I cannot bowl again, I could live with the pain I get when I try but … the flaw in my bowling action due to a shoulder defect could be lethal to the person I bowl at. Not bowling any more is a choice I’ve had to take.

Being around good people. We have a bunch of them at work. Both in the project and people I know outside. I can trust them to answer my grin with a smile that cheers me up and to hmm … stop me getting bored ? Sounds weird that. But I do crave interaction with others. I can bury myself in tasks but my mind is so active at the moment that it wants that multiple level of interaction. Like if I’m keeping 2 conversations going over communicator at the same time as reviewing a document.

It’s appreciated. And it keeps me thinking about recovery or otherwise.

Gets things achieved. I’ll play the games to pass the time but they aren’t achieving anything real. I need to clear the house out, that’d be a definite sense of achieving something.

Aside – lethal bowling ? The defect in my shoulder means it’s highly likely for a ball I bowl to go head high. That’s bad. But not too bad as the batsmen are prepared to duck down or backwards out of the way. What makes it potentially lethal is that I bowl inswing, which would follow someone swaying backwards out of the way. I don’t want to hit anyone on the head with a cricket ball.

More randomness ? Gotta be honest, I’ve got fixated on that heal/not heal thing. I’m still hopeful that I’ll be available for the cricket season again, although that seems further off on some days than others.

The Mad Pete side of me is still going strong, although it feels like that particular wave is cresting. It’s a state of being that has me more reactive, more impulsive (erm … new car … erm), more decisive ?, more rash, more brash. More everything. I like it as a state of mind, although that rash and brash side make for rough edges. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts and I’ll hope I don’t critically upset anyone along the way.

I could do with Easter coming soon though. That’s when I next have a decent break.

What to take from all that ? Keep an eye on yourself and how you’re doing. Try to see how you look from the outside. I’m going to write about that soon. How I think I see myself. It’s only fair really, cos I’ve talked about how I see others … which was basically:

There is beauty in everything. Everyone has it. There’s ugliness too but I choose not to acknowledge that and just concentrate on that beauty. The beauty is to be enjoyed, cherished and encouraged. Sure, some people choose to wallow in the ugliness, that’s their choice. If that’s not their fault, then help them see the beauty. Some do choose it though, like the lady on our floorplate who I really hope doesn’t walk past the desk when I have coffee. (The looks she gives curdles the milk instantly).

Lol – yep. I can be bitchy sometimes. And she is utterly immune to the Grin. I dunno why she walks past the desk to be honest, I don’t have a clue what she works on. She acts like senior management but she ain’t on my team. I suspect an overstated idea of self importance, which turns that particular Pretty Lady (and she is) into someone with a look that curdles milk.

Mentioning ugliness actually – one of our Olympians has been given a hard time on social media. There’s a reason I ignore Twitter, I saw the behaviour of its denizens on the Uksnowmap.com website. It’s a cesspit. There’s no control over the behaviour there. There’s no central code where an offensive person gets ostracized or snubbed for bullying others. Yep, our girl (Elise Christie, speed skater) got things wrong in her events. But … she knows what she did, she’ll be feeling appalled at missing out and letting down her fans. There’s absolutely no reason to make that worse. The message we should be sending her is “Huge hugs, better luck next time, we know you tried your hardest”. It’s too easy for the anonymous coward to bully on twitter.

And a bully is the lowest form of scumbag. I’ve been bullied a few times. Sometimes at school (didn’t last long because I didn’t react), a number of times at work. I hope Mad Pete hasn’t bullied anyone without me realising. There should be people you can talk to if you find yourself the target of bullying. Trust them. If they’re a good friend, they’ll help you out. Even if it’s just listening and telling you that you’re not imagining things.

This is getting kinda deep innit ? Can’t have that. Time to end with something chuckle-worthy :

Rumours that the end of the world is nigh are vastly incorrect. Or are they ? :

… Cos I think it’s gonna rain.

I don’t listen to much Chris Rea but that’s one of his good ones. (Obligatory link here!). Actually, I’m not going to buy a hat, got plenty of those. Gonna buy a coat instead. I know which one I’ll get but the typical procrastination means it’s still on the shelf. Hmm, well, not actually procrastination cos I’ve not seen the right size yet.

That’s not the coat I actually want to buy though. Nope. I want this one :

That pic is a render done by a fairly random person but the character and the look comes from Deus Ex Human Revolution, which I’d thoroughly recommend if you’re into games like it. It ticks all the boxes. I’ve finished it maybe 4 times so far. And I’ve not been that much into games in recent years. (But … don’t buy it yet, wait for the sales and you’ll get it for pennies).

Cool coat huh ? Could do with a hood to be honest.

You can buy it too. Here’s the link. The “Me Want” is definitely firing on that one. The “Me Need”, however, is not. A cool coat it may be but it won’t keep my head dry. I’ll go to Tesco instead.

(This one however … does have a hood. Interesting. HIDE MY WALLET ! TAKE IT AWAY !)

All this rain hitting us at the moment. I like watching disaster movies. The setup of the scenario they play through piques my interest, as does how they deal with the aftermath. But those are on the small screen. They couldn’t possibly happen in real life.

Could they ?

It feels like we’re getting close to living in a disaster movie at the moment. Climate is getting more extreme. Wide areas of southern England are flooding. The extreme south west is cut off from rail travel. Tonight, events are being called off and trains cancelled due to the high winds.

It’s feeling properly epic. And not in an enjoyable way.

Natural disasters seem to be getting more common and there doesn’t seem that much we can do to mitigate them. There’s flooding even in areas that would have been predicted totally safe. (I’m ok here, at the moment). The weather here’s been like a meteor dropped in the ocean, has thrown all the water in the air and it’s now coming down on us.

The world is steadily getting to be a more hostile place. It’s probably upset that we’re abusing it the way we have been. The answer would be to make an island somewhere else. A community disconnected from potential catastrophe on Earth. The Moon is one option, it’s close enough that supplies can be sent up there. Mars is better, although the travel there is probably lethal for people at our current technology.

I’d be very interested in signing up for a Moon or Mars colony endeavour. It’s new territory and therefore highly interesting. It’s frontier and therefore not as safe or cushioned as life usually is in England. You make it up as you go, because you can’t nip down to Novatech if something breaks. You rely on your initiative, which is something that is me with my tendency to improvise and come up with mad solutions.

But at the moment, no one is looking at setting up a Moon colony and the proposed privately organised Mars colony looks suicidal. We need practical shielding to stave off the solar wind radiation before sending people to Mars becomes feasible.

That’s way off in the future though. In the meantime I’m :

Keeping an eye on the news for the latest about the flooding;
Hoping there’s a respite from natural disasters occurring in other parts of the globe;
And being glad I have a heavier car (even if it was catching the wind a bit)

I’ll get me coat. (Literally!)

And a meeting. But mostly for the meeting.

Oh my, I’ve gone off on that tangent already. You don’t go to the southern offices for the lunches, they’re not terrible but they’re not particularly palatable either. Especially if you don’t go in for the big “this could be a dinner” meal they do down there. (The type that would need you to run round the block to get rid of the calories).

Meeting aside, it was a chance to talk to a few people in that office and above all, a chance to take the new Shiny on an extended run. It’s 120 miles there, 120 miles back so that’s a really good shakedown distance.

While I go to the various meetings and bring back all the actions … and report in what I know (which tends to be a lot … and not enough), the most valuable stuff I do with work is to keep other people talking. I’ll work behind the scenes keeping the communication channels going. That may surprise a few people, as word got round that my communications aren’t great. That’s true, up to a point. I don’t like to use the phone as emails do the job much better. (Although people tend to ignore emails if it’s not convenient). Travel to other offices takes cash, which honestly ? I’m happy to claim the expenses but it’s not my money so I have to justify it to myself by asking if that travel is strictly necessary.

But when I do travel, I’ll get the value out of it.

Like today, where I got the other side of the opinion about a meeting last month which I’d have been running if I hadn’t been relieved (happy to be) and moved on to something different. One of the girls in the southern office gave the new guy a hard time, which could have been avoided … should have been avoided by the questions being anticipated. I’d anticipated them, I’d offered to come along as a kind of Bridge person and I’d have drawn the fire.

Upshot is – someone got the wrong message (actually a few people), by chatting it over with them I’ve kept them onside and we’ll have their cooperation going forward. The alternative is they get grumpy and give their priority to other business.

What makes this episode really funny for me is what I said to the new guy about the lady asking the questions :
“So … … was there and involved ? That’s great, she’s enthusiastic, keen and asks all the right questions.”
Lol – little did I realise that all those right questions were putting the new guy on the spot. Muahaha. Shoulda taken me along to draw their fire. I’d have enjoyed getting involved and getting things started again. The questions came from us having to go dark and restrict the flow of information, lest the people we’d bring in to do contract work got upset.

Talking of communications. I’m kinda disappointed. I put nice messages in my last post about 4 special ladies ! And none of them (to my knowledge) have read them ! I’ve even told 3 of them about the messages. One is someone I was hoping would join the Facebook friends but I think she’s still running away after seeing the Facebook friend request.

I seem to have that effect on people and I’m really confused as to why. I suspect it’s the whole Women Like Nasty Boys thing. I may be a little too Nice. I’m actually curious to how I’d reply if one of them turned around and actually asked if I accompany her to something. I’ve had a lot of being ignored and assorted other rudeness from a particular person. She is a special person but how far does being awesome on a good day excuse the rudeness on the other days ?

But enough of that. That’s negative stuff, which Mad Pete hates.

I’m genuinely and steadily improving. I’m in much better shape outside than I was this time last year. I’m already thinking I’ll be playing cricket this summer. Last year, I didn’t think I’d be playing even 1 month before the season. There’s still healing to do … and a few awkward spots remaining too. But I’m very hopeful it’ll clear up before the summer.

I still need to go back to the doctor’s. I need an allergy test to confirm or clear the various things I’m suspicious of. I’ve developed a taste for Sherbet Lemons again … but might be allergic. I used to use Galaxy Minstrels as car food, the chocolate combined with the shells kept my awareness hopped up while driving plus they are convenient to munch. No wrappers, no melting in the fingers, no dust. But I think they triggered reactions. I’ve tried them again, which was a bit of a shame actually, I wasn’t hungry enough to demolish them …

But I think that’s enough for today. I was going to have a natter about the car. Which was awesome. It has the power to cruise at 70mph with no effort. Mpg’s were up to 45 (they’re a bit low – new car effect) and they’re still trending upwards. I’m hoping it goes to 50 again, which is an impressive demonstration of what the technology can do. Because while it’s sipping the petrol at 50mpg, it’s still a 220bhp beast.

So – today :
Meeting – bit meh. But necessary as they always are.
Networking – very useful. And a chance to talk to the Logistics Lady, keep that very useful person on side and … make her look good in front of the bosses. I think she’s going to be one of those people who’s going to be instrumental not just now but in 5-10 years when she’s in charge of what I’m looking to deliver.
Car – awesome. In every way.
Conditions – scary. I drove through something that felt about 1 or 2 degrees off being blizzard conditions …

It is good to get let out of the office once in a while.